bren&stimpy

The Boys of Summer

2005-07-31T08:23:00.000-07:00

I, like many of those I know, haven't posted in my blog in a long time. I'm lazy. I don't know why I still do it. I want to keep my memories somewhere more permanent. I'm not much of a journal/diary writer and maybe I'm a bit of an attention whore, too. I don't really care who reads this. In fact, half the time I don't like it when people I know read it despite me wanting people I know read it. Make sense? It doesn't have to.

I've been thinking. I don't do this much. Most of the time, my brain is off. And most of the time when my brain is on, I'm not keeping a log of my thoughts so they go missing until I rediscover these thoughts in the future and by then it's usually too late but more often than not I don't remember them. I suffer from chronic tip of the tongue phenomenon, too.

So what brought up this post? Why am I posting now? Well I guess because I couldn't sleep as my mind was racing with random thoughts. Much of these thoughts are impossible ambitions that I have, such as becoming the most popular guy on the internet. Haha. I want to master this. I want to have experienced this. I wanna be like CliffyB, I want to know Jessica better, I want to be closer to my friends, I want to experience the world, I want to have super powers, and I want to find what people call true love. Haha.

Okay cheesiness aside I do have realistic ambitions. Much of which I am embarassed to talk about but still I want them down. I hope I don't forget this because I almost never reread my posts.

First, I need to chill the fuck out. Some people know me as a pretty mellow guy. However I can often be the bitchiest guy you've talked to in a while. No not in the way that I'm a mean person, just that I can be annoying as fuck with technicalities and arguments. I don't like this side of me. I want to fix this. This part of me was more pointed out to me this summer through my cousin who is one of the most anal people I know. I was frustrated talking to him sometimes.

Second, I need to be more bold and consistent. This summer was filled with not unreasonable hopes and goals. I wanted to build my relationship with my parents, make some money, practice Chinese and Japanese, etc. I haven't done much of this. Instead I sleep in and make my parents worry about me. It annoys me but it's my responsibility. This foundation would build much more but I never know where to start. Maybe that in itself is an excuse.

Third, I need more confidence. Maybe point one is stemmed from my insecurities as a person. Maybe I feel the need to correct people around me so as to make up for the parts of myself I feel inadequate. I have no idea. I just know that I need to practice being in uncomfortable situations until they are comfortable. I may try the park idea.

Fourth, I need to find something productive to do. I've been trying to branch out. I tried doing some reading. This isn't so bad, but it's not that productive either. I want to do something artistic. Maybe play an instrument (again), hone my graphic design skills (as if I have any), practice acting (hahahaha, yeah right), or learn how to sing well. I haven't had the guts or the consistent determination. I hope I can build those in time. Sooner than later.

Other stuff, too.

You see, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I realize I like learning about people. I like culture. I like internet culture and gaming culture and other cultures. What can I do with this? Maybe become a teacher? I want to make a difference in the world. Not necessarily become famous but I want to be remembered.

I want to help people but I don't know if I can handle being a volunteer. Maybe I just haven't had the guts so far.

Anyways I'm gonna work on my boldness. That'd probably be the first step to setting myself straight. It's also one of the hardest things to do.

I think I'm done for today. That didn't take as long as I thought it might. Now maybe I can go to bed. It's way too fucking late and I need to be up in a few hours. Lame.

Out of Reach

2005-05-29T01:38:00.000-07:00

A common occurance in my life that I still find weird is the idea of out of sight out of mind changing the way of thought.

When I was in Portland I didn't want to leave. I couldn't imagine what it be like to come back. Now I can't imagine being there.

My mom called the other day. She was sad because I didn't call her on Mother's Day. She reasonable complaints but she was calling me at 2AM which is an ungodly hour for any normal person to get a phone call. I know I don't sleep at that time but regardless I was a little annoyed. I don't want to be nagged at 2 in the morning.

Ever since she moved back to Taiwan, I haven't really thought too much about her. I feel bad for this but at the same time I don't think about it so I don't have time to feel bad about it. My mind can only take so many thoughts and worries.

I feel like I'm going to feel the same way when the summer ends. Maybe not. I want to go back to spend time with friends down there and use my computer again. I don't know.

Blah.

Takeoffs and Landings

2005-05-29T01:29:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post for a few weeks now. This happens a lot. I finally got around to it now for some reason.

A lot has happened but at the same thing nothing's really happening. That's more or less how my life works.

After leaving school, I went to Chicago for a week. That's where I was when I made my last post. I'm suprised that I didn't mention that in the last post. Or did I?

Then I came back here in the small town of Middlesboro, Kentucky. Less than a week after I come in, my two closest friends, Alex and Buster ran off to Panama. Apparently the USA was too straight for them.

I wish I could go, though. I talked to them a little about their adventures there. They range from going to a resort on the beach to eating great food for cheap to eating great food for an insanely high price to visiting strip clubs to visiting whore houses (for a show, that's it).

Not much to report I guess. E3 passed. It was cool. Saw a lot of stuff on G4. By the way, Morgan Webb is hot. Just so you know.

Watched some movies and stuff. House of Flying Daggers was interesting. Ziyi Zhang is hot, by the way. Finished Jade Empire. Might work on Ico soon.

I'm on the third season of 24. Alex got me addicted to it. I bought the DVDs and have been watching them in binges. It's insane.

I'm running out of things to say (notice the boring lists). So I'll stop here. I hope my sister comes back soon. I can't wait for Alex and Buster to be back. It's pretty boring out here. Everyone else is busy with their own things.

Another Year on the Streets

2005-05-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

Today's title comes from an album, a compilation to be more specific, but that's cool because I'll probably talk about a more broad topic rather than just a simple event.

...or maybe not.

School's out for the summer. I'm halfway done with college. Imagine that. I can barely believe that it's happened. I wish more things happened. I wish I led a more eventful life with more experiences and relationships to carry me better in the future. Oh well. It doesn't really matter too much now. I still have some time left. I just need to work twice as hard (without trying too hard).

Packing took longer than I thought it would. I was almost late to the airport ... AGAIN. It's insane. I was almost late last year because of this crap and now a similar thing happened. What's wrong with me. Thank goodness Brian was around to help me and all.

The past year was a mixed bag. The second semester was good to me. I wish I tried harder though. I could have done better on the finals but I slacked off a little. I don't think I even studied for Japanese much. I think I did okay though. Next year will be better, I hope.

Moving into the apartments will be cool.

I ran out of stuff to talk about due to...other things to worry about. Damn you, ADD!

Looking Back on Today

2005-04-06T02:26:00.000-07:00

These past couple weeks haven't been very eventful, as usual. It's not too bad. It's a bit stressful but not overtly so. I've not felt too helpless, so it's a good thing. My birthday has passed and gone. I'm 20 now. I'm officially not a teenager anymore. What does this mean for me? I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a kid still but at the same time I feel socially old.

I should go to sleep soon. I just wanted to drop in and say a word or two.

If anyone's curious about my recent hobby/events, I beat God of War in one day. I also got Jungle Beat. It's pretty fun. I should pick up Digital Devil Saga sometime soon. As for anime/manga, I read up on Bleach, if I didn't mention that. It's really cool. I recommend it. I beat Resident Evil 4 (awesome awesome game) and Darwinia (really neat little game).

On a side note, I'd like to say that my shit days this semester are more or less the same as my normal days other semesters. It's pretty sad in a retrospective view.

I got a test tomorrow for Japanese. I have to go to PSU to talk about learning disabilities or something like that. Grargh. After tomorrow evening, the rest of my week will be cake.

Party Hard

2005-03-15T01:05:00.000-08:00

My name is Brendon and I'm an angstoholic.

Haha. I don't think I've been very depressed in a while. Maybe it's a weather thing. Portland's weather has been awesome for a while now. Knock on wood. I haven't been angsty in a while, but that's a good thing. I'm sorta back on track and I have a lot to say.

My course schedule plan for the rest of school is more or less set. I need to finalize and dig some info to make sure things can go the way I want them to, but if not it'll be okay I can live without it, too.

Here's the plan so far. I want to go to Japan my Senior year fall semester. I want to go to China the summer before that to get better at it and maybe skip 310. I hope they still have the program then. If not then I'll have to take another semester after my senior year which wouldn't be THAT bad but you know. I don't really want to.

But enough about that. I've always been shaky about making hard set plans because things often don't work out when I do, but things turn around. It doesn't really matter. Every bad thing has good sides and all that.

Like... a few weeks ago when I was all into that RA bullshit Dale recommended me for this retreat called the GOLD retreat. That stands for Growth Opportunity for Leadership Development. It's for people that have the potential to be leaders but don't really have the experience.

I applied sorta hoping it'd help me in the future but I got rejected. This is after getting rejected for RAing and shit so I was pretty down about that (even though I wouldn't admit it to myself) already. So about a week ago they told me that an opening came up unexpectedly and invited me to come. I was a bit reluctant for some reason but I went anyways, despite having Reversals that weekend. It was pretty awesome. I got to meet new people and get to know some people I already knew a little more. I got to learn a little more about myself and all that. And I got to spend a couple days at the beach in the awesome weather we've been having lately. I'm pretty content with that weekend especially with my extreme lack of homework lately. Knock on wood. The only problem with the trip was the lack of phone reception, but that was probably a good thing overall.

I'm not exactly happy just yet, but who really cares? What is happiness? What is fortune or misfortune? Life is life. That's how I should live it. Every day I spend without a significant other is a day I can get to know other people better or finish one of my small pet projects and hobbies. I've been a lot more involved that I ever imagined I would ever be. It's funny. I've been wanting to make a difference and I want to do it in a meaningful way, my own way, not just try to take some crappy leadership role with restrictions (RA). I'd like to have my own free time and do things on my own. It'll work better for me and be more fulfilling and less of a chore. My biggest aspiration is setting up some sort of large charity. Who'd have thought?

More upbeat music has been filling my soul lately. I've been listening to Party Hard quite a few times lately. Haha. Everything I've mentioned so far makes it seem like my life has been nothing but good lately. That's not true. I just don't think about the bad stuff nearly as much.

Today I checked my bank statement online and I realized I was 185 in the hole on my checking account because I overdrew three times and it charged 75 dollars for that each time. It's fucked up. I'm not too worried. It sucks because I wanted to spend that money on this one game (or two) but I'll hold off. I only have like 100 bucks now or so in the bank. Sucks but I'll survive. I have a lot of stuff to be happy for and not really a lot of time to mention all of it.

I'm close to finding my center. I'm thankful for a lot of events and people for helping me find this path, as corny as it sounds. It's not even a path it's a mindset. I haven't talked to some people I used to base my happiness on in a while and I'm fine with it.

And guess what... I turn 20 in a little more than 2 weeks. I'm almost not a teenager anymore. Haha. Took me long enough. I still have a lot more to work on.

Let Go

2005-03-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

It's funny how random song titles can fit so well to how I'm thinking. I don't really think hard about these things. It works on multiple levels. It also works as a movie reference. Whoo.

So life's been fine, okay, great, lame, sucky, fun, whatever you want to call it. I don't really care all too much anymore. It's not that I'm jaded or anything. I just realized a few things after a few days of half assed soul searching and talking to people and reading some stories and watching a few documentaries. I realize that drama is nothing. Not all, just most of the stuff I "deal with" equates to nothing in the long run. I can buy what I want and waste money whereas some people in the world have to give up their dignity and panhandle to survive for the day, they can't get jobs and don't know if they will live to see tomorrow. They survive not because it's given to them but because they have to. I admire these people and I wish I could help them out in the future once I'm settled and everything.

So life's been pretty uneventful. It's nice to be able to relax. I'm not saying nothing's been happening to me. I'm talking about something that I don't really talk about much. Uneventful as in homework. I've not had much to do in a while. I don't want to get in the habit of not doing much. This week I've literally not done more than 2-3 hours or homework related stuff and I wasted a lot of time just talking to people and I don't feel the repurcussions for it, either, because I've not had anything to do.

Tonight is my busiest homework night and all I have to do is study for a Kanji quiz, find lyrics for a pop song, and work a little on my Japanese skit script. Fun.

I love Thursdays. They are so relaxing and I can sleep in a decent amount the next day. I should start doing my work soon but I felt like typing this up.

On a different note, I was thinking the other day (don't really care much anymore but I thought I should post it because I felt like it the other day but had to go to class), that I'm a bit tired of caring about others. Not that I don't like to, because I do it automatically. Maybe I care too much? I don't know. I just get shit for it. Please kill me for showing a little concern for you, okay? I don't really expect profound appreciation but shifting the blame on someone trying to help through encouragement and reminders isn't the way to go about it. I guess I'll tone it down. Whatever. It's not my business. I just ... well I have regrets about my Freshman year and I don't want others to suffer the same shit. I guess, as Brie puts it, people need to figure some things out on their own, the hard way. I just wish I could help.

My reference with the title is to Fight Club. I'm a lot like the narrator. I'm afraid to let go. I want to control my life. The thing about my plan for this semester is that it's leaning towards this direction. I tried to let go and control what I can but I was looking at it the wrong way. I was striving for a goal called happiness. I'm at the edge of spinning wheel or hurricane trying to make it stop or turn the other way. That's naive. I should stay near the hub or the eye of the storm (if there is one). I should live life. Accept the good and the bad. Learn and tell stories, not complain and dwell. I have a lot of demons in my closet that not even I know about. I'm working on it, though.

This is one of the first times I could remember recently, when self reflection didn't make me feel a bit down. Most of the time, I get myself in an anxious, depressed-like state. This time I'm more blank, more calm. Just thinking and talking. I can relax. I like it this way more.

Don't Be Afraid

2005-02-23T17:12:00.000-08:00

Today was a decent day. The good weather heightens my mood. Not much happened.

Badminton was cancelled again. It's weird, Hassan has a class before and after Badminton so he's usually not around when I wake up and get ready to go. Today he came in my room to make sure I was up to go to class. I got up and got ready and he was still in his room despite class starting in like 2 minutes or something. He said he didn't feel like going. Figured he had a few unexcused absences to burn. This wasn't he first time he did this. Both times he's done this class got cancelled anyways. I swear he's some sort of Badminton god. I missed two classes already and he's missed none because of this bullshit. Haha. I got to be more lazy this morning and that was cool.

I got to hang out with Niku a bit. I don't get to see him much this semester for some reason. He's been pretty busy with classes. Since he lives off campus it makes things even harder.

So yeah I went to class and things were fine. A bit tired for some reason. I guess I didn't get enough sleep last time. Good thing I don't have too much to do for tomorrow. I guess I'll try to do some readings for Linguistics and Psychology. Maybe I'll study for my Japanese quiz on Friday. I did good on the quiz for today, I think. I answered everything confidently. It makes life easier because I don't have to be anxious and constantly try not to think about my grades. Haha. I have a good idea of where I stand and even if I'm a bit wrong, I can't be way off.

Today I got to know this girl in my Linguistics class. Her name is Sybil. Really interesting person. She lived in Mexico like half her life on and off and transferred here this semester. She's a bit weird but not in a bad way. I like her. I like meeting new people and making new friends. It seems I haven't done that too much in a while, but this semester is different. I'm more on track and I can afford to socialize more and be a little more confident. I mean things can't really get much worse. On the grand scheme of things losing something I didn't have last week probably isn't a negative loss. I'm just saying if something bad happened. It's more like balance. But it can be disheartening. Oh well.

I'm not going to get my hopes up, though. Most girls don't share the same interests as I do and it's nearly impossible to find one that does and when I do, they are either not interested or taken. Fun isn't it? I really want to meet someone that fits most of my "criteria" for a "match" because it just seems my life would fall into place once I did. But we all know life never works out that way right?

I find myself becoming more and more pessimistic about life lately. It's funny. I'm not negative. I love life. I like people. I like friends and everything. My pessimism stems from myself. I can't be too hopeful for myself much anymore because things will just go wrong one way or another. So that's probably why I suck at planning. It's not that I can't plan, I can't carry through. Instead I try to have strong intentions to do things and carry them out as I can. It works out better. I'm more flexible. It's just hard to juggle time. That's where the medication and easier load comes in. I can figure out what I need to do better and just start it and I still have time to relax a bit.

There's a funny parallel to this that happened to me yesterday. For some weird reason I was getting shocked a million times yesterday after lunch. I listen to music on my iRiver and the earphones are metalic under the plastic and even they shock me once in a while. I'd touch a doorknob and it shocks. I'd touch an overhead projector and it'd shock me. After a while it was hard for me to open doors because I got scared and cautious. Sometimes I don't think about it and just do it. But occasionally, even today, I would be scared and cautious about some knobs for some reason.

So how does this relate? When I don't care about impressing anyone or my self image, I more relaxed and can hold a conversation better, be more interesting, and maybe even flirt a little. When I'm being cautious, it impeads on my "true self". I end up being awkward and can't bring myself to trying. The small steps that I do make are insignificant and take too much mental energy for what they are actually doing. I need to break this fear and just dive in. Whatever's in the water can't kill me.

We learned about Neizche yesterday in Psychology. "Whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger." That's my new plan to ammend to my not as new plan. And yes I'm not good with plans but these aren't really plans as much as resolutions and intentions. My personal plans don't involve timelines and schedules. I enjoy that more. Maybe it'll be hard to find a job in the future. Hehe.

Note: Today's title is another music reference. Almost all of them all, if not all of them. I bet no one will know where it's from. Hint: It's from a game.

In This Diary

2005-02-23T02:30:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit addicted to more of The Ataris' music lately. This week's (that's a laugh insinuating my entries are weekly) title comes from one of their songs. I thought it kinda fit. Here's a cool line that's pretty true: Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. These are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is followng your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right.

I guess as time passes I feel older and older. I can't believe in a little over a month I'll be 20. 2/3 of my conscious life I've been a teen. I can't imagine living anyway else.

So lately I've been in angst city. And not in the :emo: way exactly. I enjoy life. I like living. My life isn't some void of nonexistance and sadness. It's just nothing been going right. I get more bothered than I think I do when things don't go the way I expect/hope they do. And I don't have high hopes either. That's what happens when you have low self esteem. Haha. I've been really depresso but it's moreso internal than much else. I don't like it but at least I can appreciate the humor that stems from it.

So I applied to be a Resident Assistant next year but I got rejected at the first cut off. I'm 90% sure it was because of my grades. I should find out the truth soon, though. I've been lazy and subconsciously trying not to think about it. I'd rather be told I'm a bad candidate for some reason than be told it's just my grades or some stupid shit like that.

Anyways, this semester has been pretty good other than my Japanese tests, which are around Cs. I've been doing awesome on my quizes for it and my homework, too. I have so many doubts though. I want to know for sure whether my recent rise in performance will carry through the whole semester and to other semesters. I don't want to lose steam. I'm pretty confident about that part, though, so that's not an issue. I'm moreso worried that I won't be able to perform as well in other situations. My semester is pretty easy, I must admit. That's my point. If things get harder I want to know that I'll be able to keep up. As it is I'm a bit behind but it's manageable.

I need to sleep earlier (right now is contradicting that but this post has been coming for a while so I need to do it while I feel like doing it) so I can wake easier. I found out that it's pretty easy to not skip classes. Haha. I know it's clear as day so most people but I often just didn't want to go to classes.

Maybe my recent performance has a lot to do with my medication. Maybe it's my more recent self realizations. I'm so often analyzing myself, if you didn't already know this. Hehe.

The weather here in Portland has been awesome lately. The skies are blue. It's been pretty cold but not freezing or anything. It's like a pleasant cold wind. It's not ideal but it's better than our normal weather.

So I've been keeping up with my plan this semester to stick to myself more. I'm focusing on what I can control and letting other things to fall into place where they should. It's not hard but I seem to have more than one "selves" within me. One is the rational self that usually makes these posts. The other is less in direct control. It just has a large control over my attitude and feelings.

I seem to only be able to reflect on myself when I'm in a slight depressed mood. I start angsting about how my life isn't going the way I want it to. That's how it usually works. At least, that's what I think.

Anyways, it seems that my plan isn't working out the way I thought it would. But it takes time. I've only been here for about 5 weeks again now. That's not that long in the long run. So I'm going to give it a chance. That's my choice and I'm gonna stick with it. Plus I have to. It has its perks. Good grades are pretty fun. Being all depressed and making myself more depressed through stupid actions isn't fun. Yay. I think my less rational self that dictates my emotions wants more results. I put in so much effort to get things done and life still isn't going the way I want it to. And I'm not saying I should have a girlfriend or anything right now. I'm just disappointed that I don't feel much different, other than the feeling that I'm doing better in school and that is pretty nice. I just have so many self doubts that keep me down.

It's a lot of anxiety. I'm an anxious person. Maybe that's a better description than depressed or angsty. Most of my angst just comes from the fact that I can't a girl interested despite my actions (or lack of). But it's not that big of a deal. It's not like I expect one or need one. I just really want someone to care for me in that way. As my tension rises and my views get more distorted through idealization it seems more and more like it'd be the easy way out of my situation. Yes there would be a new layer of complication but it just seems worth it.

I always say that one needs to be happy with themselves before they could be happy with someone else. I still believe it, but I think maybe people need to gain good experience with something before they can appreciate life without it. It's kinda like me and Kentucky. I hated living there at first. I left to go back to California and life was good again. When I was going back again I dreaded it. But once I got there and lived there for a while I enjoyed it a lot. I don't regret it too much. I met some awesome people and made good friends. I learned a lot about computers, anime, and about life in general. I appreciated the sincerity of the people there and remembered the retardation of the people there, too. Every bad thing has good sides. It's always a good experience. I kinda miss the culture I left behind that I can't relate too much to anymore. I mean I know what it's like in SoCal but I don't really know what teenage life is like there as much of what teenage life is develops between 7th grade and 12th grade. I only saw 2 years of it and it was in the middle. I got a glimpse but not a full view. Oh well. At least I'm more "cultured" than most people I know.

How did I get on that subject? Hmm. Yeah.

Have anyone ever felt the desire to cry but just couldn't? I have on a few occasions but some were at times when I had reason to. I'm not talking about those times. I'm talking about when I feel like crying but have no reason to. No overt stress. No extreme sadness. Just the general feel that there's something I want to get out of my chest. I want that release. At least I did at the time. And I guess I still do somewhat. I feel like the main character in Fight Club was at the beginning of the movie but I'm not an insomniac like he was.

Alex, Buster and Willie are going to Panama this summer. I want to go but I don't know if I can or not. I'll trying to figure it out. I need to talk to my dad about a few things soon. Heh.

As time goes by I want it to pass faster sometimes and other times I want it to slow down. I don't have enough time in the day to do everything I need to and want to but at the same time the results for my effort aren't show too well yet.

So I should go to sleep now. I got class in less than 8 hours and a quiz in the morning. I'm pretty prepared. Wish me luck.

Note: I'll try to make more frequent entries. It makes me feel a little better that I can get it down. Yay.

Nightingale

2005-01-30T05:34:00.000-08:00

I've been playing World of Warcraft a bit lately. It's an interesting game. The world is huge and so the atmosphere is pretty awesome.

I don't know why I'm up typing this. I usually do this when I'm bored late at night but I wish I'd do this in the daytime or NOT at some ungodly hour. I have to much to say, too.

So school's started. It has been going on for 2 weeks but it feels more like 2 months. I feel good about my classes but I feel I may be slipping again. I can't afford to. Especially not after what happened with Charles. Good thing my workload isn't really all that much.

I've been on my medication for over a week now. It's called Concerta. It's a form of Ritalin I think. It really helps me concentrate. Too bad it doesn't help me not procrastinate. The problem with working is getting started. I'm still working on it.

Starting school again is interesting. It's my fourth semester and a lot of stuff is going on. I need to turn in my overseas app soon, and my RA/PA apps on Monday. Ugh. I wish I wasn't such a slacker. I'd have gotten these done already. I'm just really anxious about it all. My grades are kicking me in the ass right now. It's preventing me from doing the stuff I want to. I need to work extra hard this semester. I can't let the fact that my workload is smaller make me slack more than usual. Good thing I'm not behind on anything except my readings, but those can pile up a lot.

Having Charles not around much anymore is really weird. Life moves on, yes but it's different. It's hard to describe. I miss him. Too bad he's always playing WoW to do anything. He needs to get a job and soon.

Being back lets my semi depression set in again. I'm gonna keep trying to push out the negative feelings so I can get my work done. World of Warcraft is gonna fuck it up for me. I know it. I can't play it anymore unless I definitely have free time.

I just know I'm gonna break that. I met a girl on there the other day. Her name is Jen. She's from SoCal. Interesting person. I like meeting new people. I don't really get to anymore. In the early days of my internet usage I used to visit a lot of different message boards and stuff. Now it's fairly limited. I don't get to meet many new people online. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I meet a lot of new people in person. But it's sometimes fun to get to talk to new people online. A lot of my closer friends in the past were online. These days they sorta drifted away or just left. Sadness.

A few more things and then I really need to get some sleep.

I need to catch up on my anime. I got tons of Naruto and Gundam SEED Destiny to watch. I heard Destiny's shaping up to be pretty awesome. I'll try to see if I can make some time tomorrow if I can get my shit ready. An incentive! I doubt it, though. Reading takes a metric fuckload of time. So much that I don't want to do it, but I must.

I got my new cellphone working after so long. I went down to Cingular today. It took like an hour before we got our shit done.

Adnan and I were joking around a while ago last year about starting a Lego Club. Brie came in on the idea a bit later on and self proclaimed herself the President while Adnan and I were Co-founders. It's like a company. We are actually going to start this club. It's funny. I want to see how these things turn out. Maybe I can finally have a productive activity to work on. We're planning on raising funds and maybe doign stuff like donating legos to children at hospitals. The idea of our club coming into reality is somewhat unbelievable. It's always been an inside joke between Adnan, Brie and I. Whenever we three are together we call it a Lego Club meeting. We even veto each others (Adnan's) personal decisions with a Lego Club vote.

I hope it turns out well.

Oh and LC finally got added to thefacebook.com. Here's my profile for those that care:

http://lclark.thefacebook.com/profile.php?id=31600018

Done. Finally I can go to bed...

Sunset Riders

2005-01-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

There's something wrong with me. Two days of this week, I have woken up about 2-3 hours after I go to sleep and am not able to sleep again. Maybe once Alex and Buster leave I'll be able to sleep somewhat normally again. Yeah, right, huh?

So I was bored the other day and made a MySpace account under the advice of a fellow goon, who was giving me life/love advice but ironically only minutes prior I was heatedly arguing against.

MySpace is an online personals site. You make your profile and people can look you up and maybe pursue dates or friendship type stuff. I haven't found a girl around Portland who has similar interests as I do, yet, but I'm still looking. There are a few that are pretty cute, though, and I feel I might be able to get along with. We'll see, though.

Incidently, I was doing another area search updating it for the more recently logged in, and I found a girl that lives right next door to me in Odell. Isn't that odd? Of all the people I could search for in school, she lives right next door to me. I later on did a search by school and only found a handful, some of which I know (one lived in Spruce last year and another was in my Logic class, which I dropped), so it couldn't be a high probability of that happening. Interesting to say the least.

Speaking of stuff like this, LC is under this college personals site called collegefacebook. I find it really dumb as it is just a huge rip off of the majorly superior thefacebook.com. The Facebook has a lot more features and is a lot smoother and better. I sent an application for our school to be on The Facebook but I fear that since collegefacebook.com added us first, people at LC will be more unwilling to switch. Oh well.

As a last note (I forgot to mention it earlier), I took a new pic of me for MySpace, which I proceeded to upload to CollegeFacebook and my Blogger profile. Funny thing is I couldn't figure out how to take pics off of the camera to the comp because whenever I put it on the dock, the comp wouldn't recognize it, the dock didn't even reognize a connection through USB, I didn't realize you had to turn it on. This might seem like the obvious answer but when placed in the dock, the camera proceeds to shut itself off (it can't charge and transfer at the same time I suppose), so I'm not that dumb. So what do you guys think of the pic? I hadn't had a good recent picture of me online in over a year. I guess it was about time.

Fat Guy in a Little Coat

2005-01-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

I slept less than three hours this morning but couldn't go back to sleep for some reason. I don't understand. Damnit.

Really Impressive Title

2005-01-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

So here's my schedule. I need to send it to my boss anyways so it's a good thing I'm typing it out now. Two birds, one post.

Badminton-Pickleball MW 10:20 a.m. - 11:20 a.m.

Intermediate Japanese MTWF 12:40 p.m. - 01:40 p.m

Introduction to Linguistics MWF 01:50 p.m. - 02:50 p.m.

Developing the Potential of the Learning Disabled Child M 5:30 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

Chinese Conversation TTh 09:40 a.m. - 11:10 a.m.

Introduction to Psychology TTh 01:50 p.m. - 03:20 p.m.

This means most of my classes aren't next to each other. I get breaks and I get lunch every day. This'll be awesome.

New Future

2005-01-01T08:52:00.000-08:00

I feel so old these days. It's sad to think, in a few years I won't have these vacations to spend joking around with Alex, Buster and Willie. I won't be able to stay home a lot and watch movies with my sister. I won't be able to help out at my parents' restaurant, either, not that I want to do that too much. I won't be able to go to Jay's house on Sundays to play Halo 2 or whatever's out then (assuming I don't come back here for extended periods of time). Now more than ever I can feel my childhood slip by into vapor.

People always want to grow up when they are younger. Of course I'm looking towards my future but I'll probably always miss my past. I'll miss being able to hang out with Buster and Alex every weekend playing videogames like I miss staying at home watching cartoons without much homework to do as I was younger or snuggling up to my mom as a child. I always miss the childhood I had as well as think about the childhood I never had. I think about my missed opportunities as well as my happy triumphant moments. I suppose the future and present is the only real place to look and work on, but I'll always have fond memories of my past, and that makes me feel old.

Another year passes by and I hope it is better than the last.

Lonely Rolling Star

2005-01-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

So I finally feel like updating my blog. It's probably from me not feeling like doing anything else online but feeling like being on the computer. Normally when I'm in this mood, I actually feel like organizing my files or downloading stuff (movies, music, games or whatever), but since I'm not on my computer at school nor do I have a good connection, I'm doing my blog post, which should have come long ago.

So it's 2005 now. Good fucking riddance. 2004 was the worst year of my life by far. Nothing major happened that was terrible but it was the worst collection of retardishit ever. It ironically also had the most concentration of great games ever.

I'm on a course of figuring myself out these days. I'm juggling my time between myself (my personal habits and phone conversations and stuff), time with family, and time with friends. The last one often takes precidence but I like alone time, too. Too bad most other people in the world don't have similar schedules and moods.

So where do I begin? This past semester has been ass. I got straight Cs (2 Cs, and a C-) and a pass. I even dropped a class near the end to save my ass. I've been meeting with Dale every week to help me sort out my routines and my life. It's my morale booster. I've been having major anxiety this semester when it comes to doing work. I tried figuring out myself and I think I know my patterns and I'm trying to work on it. This explanation will be jumbled though since it has a lot of factors that might or might not be related.

First of all, I was taking two languages and a reading intensive class. I'm slow at reading and these languages are hard and at 201 level. The class I dropped was busy work intensive so it didn't help. My learning profile makes me really slow at reading so that explains the poorness on that aspect. It all collides together with a lot of work and studying which made me anxious to do work so I avoid it, seeking solace with friends, and unfortunately with chasing girls.

Trying to get a girlfriend is probably one of the more important factors of my depression/anxiety. It's an easy time waster. I could go between that and friends consecutively and midnight is already upon me. So I avoid doing homework and it all suffers in the end thus more anxiety builds and I avoid doing homework again.

I rely too much on my "later self". This isn't exactly procrastination but procrastination is a big part of it.

Second, the girl I'd had my eye on turned out to not like me that way. The emotional rollercoaster that the journey entailed was hazardous to my emotional state, making a lot of it worse.

Third, I have ADD. I'm getting medication next semester I believe. I'm on my track to a better situation.

Next semester my classes will be better. I'm taking Intermediate Japanese, Intro to Linguistics, Chinese Conversation, Intro to Psychology, Badminton, and Dale's class "Developing the Potential of the LD Child" again for more elective credits. The latter two and Chinese Conversation won't be too hard at all. The other three will range between each and moderate, in my opinion. Not too much thick reading, not too much busy work. I think it'll be fine.

I'll post my schedule in the next post.

On another subject, I've always said to myself and others that a person cannot be happy with someone else unless that person is happy with his or herself. I haven't been following that well. It's hard to see the truth sometimes. I've been so blinded by the prospect of having a girlfriend to notice this. I thought that maybe if I got a girlfriend everything would be better. I'd get my work done since I'm not spending my time trying to get a girlfriend, and I'd be happier so I could do my work. Without a girlfriend I was a bit depressed. I wasn't doing homework regularly, I was doing poorly in all my classes, which puts dampers in the rest of my plans for other things (such as going to Japan and becoming an RA). Getting a girlfriend is the easy way out and I basically saw it as the only way out of my hole. I even let myself fall for another girl right after finding out that info about the first, one that even has a boyfriend. That's how bad it was. I've decided to fall back on that and not pursue it until the time is right. It wouldn't be fair to any party.

Coming on vacation and also finding out the person doesn't like me that way let me stand back and rationalize my life. I'm going to work on things the way they are meant to be done. I'll work on my homework and not let that bring me down again, which gives me more time and more spirits to actually get a girlfriend. I won't try to chase girls too much either. If you hang out with someone too much, it will probably make things worse. I'll try to rationalize.

I guess this is my New Year's resolution. If I don't do better next semester, I lose my financial aid and I basically have to leave school. It sucks to be on academic probation.

I think that's all the bad stuff I have to talk about. There's some extra drama that's too insignificant to talk about. Now onto the cool stuff.

I'm basically content with my game purchases this semester and will be content for a while, I believe.

I got just about every game I wanted badly this semester. Next semester won't be nearly as bad so I think I'll be fine as far as money goes. Ironically, I haven't gotten time to beat most of the games I have. I beat Metal Gear Solid 3, Half-Life 2, Halo 2, and Katamari Damacy. I still have Shin Megami Tensei 3: Nocturne, Metroid Prime 2: Echoes, Paper Mario 2, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, Pikmin 2, Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords, Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines, Prince of Persia 2: Warrior Within, and other games (PSX and PC games) to finish. I've also felt like playing some old games that I've already beaten, too. My vacation plans were to finish some of these games and lately, I've not felt like playing games. There's always anime to watch, too. It seems like I'll never run out of games to play or anime to watch.

I've been home over two weeks and have nothing to report. My sleep schedule is messed up again, of course. I wish I could make my parents happy but I have a lot of stuff to work on at the same time. This is my vacation, not time for working all day long. I'm trying to do things to bring my own morale up. Work on my hobbies. Spend time with friends I never get to spend time with at school.

The woes of vacation dilemmas.

I've been watching movies with my sister lately. Tonight we watched Super Size Me. It's pretty eye opening. I'll try cutting down my fast food intake and get some exercise. I suppose it parts of my new year's resolution, too.

Christmas was fun. Not too exciting but I had fun. It seems to be getting less and less fun as I get older. I didn't have a lot of money to buy presents this year, though, unfortunately.

I got some pajamas, an umbrella (opens and closes with a button), cologne (probably won't wear it as I like my own), 50 dollars for Amazon, KOTOR2, three shirts, two jackets (I like them), a Nintendo DS, Super Mario 64 DS, and 200 dollars.

I used the money and amazon money to buy myself an iriver MP3 player. It's awesome.

Fire and Ice

2004-11-30T01:01:00.000-08:00

I can never hold a grudge against someone I care about. Even if I want them to feel regret for their actions, I cannot do it. I don't know why. I don't want to take the higher ground. I don't want to be mature. But I always turn back to that side.

I want people know how hurt I was for their actions, even if I wasn't hurt that much. I want to know if they really care enough to feel bad.

Maybe it helps me feel better about myself. I don't know why I feel this way. I rarely let people know how I really feel. Instead I bottle it up because it's the proper way to act. It's the most considerate way to act towards your friends when they aren't being considerate.

Maybe it's because I was told many many times growing up to stop pouting. It never worked. But this is different. I feel a weight in my heart when my friends betray my trust (the way I expect them to act) and I want them to know that, but then I'd be a fucking baby.

I don't want to grow up.

Life is Like a Boat

2004-11-05T00:50:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I posted. There's so much I want to talk about but I don't know what to say. Life aren't going so well for me. They aren't terrible. I just have a lot of homework backed up. I've been better about work lately, but I'm not going the speed I need to.

So I took my final test for my ADD diagnosis. I hope I get the results soon.

I think one of my main problems is I depend too much on other things and other people. Not so much the latter but somewhat. I often depend on the next day to do homework but I wake up too late. I can't even depend on myself. I depend on work time to do homework but I rarely do my homework thne. I tried to depend on self notes but I end up ignoring them. I tried to depend on the ADD results so I can try to get something to help me focus but it's taking too long.

So what's new? I traded in my PS2 for 100 dollars toward a PStwo. Those things are slick. I haven't gotten one yet. I got GTA: San Andreas, which is pretty cool. Katamari Damacy was awesome, too.

Did I mention I played some Halo 2? It's awesome.

I'd like to mention some Naruto. The anime is finally getting to a really cool part, but the manga is getting cooler. I believe they will do a time jump soon so we'll see the characters more into the future.

I've been reading a manga called Beck. It's about some guys starting a band. It's hard to really describe. It's really good.

The song on my head lately has been "Life is Like a Boat" by Rie Fu. She's a really good singer. The song itself is the ending song for Bleach (a cool new anime).

Anyways, other than my academic life, my life has been pretty meh. There have been so many troubles within my circle of friends lately. The election has gotten much of my campus down. Politics isn't a good topic and I don't like talking about it, but for some reason I can't avoid being interested and having an opinion.

I find myself getting older and caring more about stuff that I never cared about. I don't want to care about it but I must to avoid being a zombie.

Well it's that time of the year again. Not a specific time, it's actually all the time, but it restarts itself every year. There's a girl I like again, but I don't know what to do other than be her friend. I'm just too nervous. Maybe I should try harder again, but I've been so busy with school work and stuff. Midterms just ended, I think. So now I think I'll just try to ride up this mountain of work I have and try hard again when my train starts moving right again.

For some reason I feel pretty calm right now. I don't know why. I have underlying stress, but I feel like I can relax for now. Maybe that's a bad thing.

Who reads this anyways?

Ninja ga Imasu!

2004-10-05T05:27:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been self destructive. Not on purpose, just in habits.

I'd often stay up late only to oversleep or whatever. Last week, of my four classes, I was late to each of my classes at least once and a lot of them I slept through.

This weekend, I was introduced to a game called Ninja, where you sneak around guards at night (or you guard against Ninjas). It's pretty fun, but two nights in a row means super soreness for me.

Sunday night was hell. I had to work on my 4-6 page paper as well as catch up on my Reading Response Notebook so I tried. But to do the paper, I'd need to know how to do the RRN so I started on that, but figured I was missing a few books so I looked for them. Weren't in my bags. Weren't on the floor. Weren't in the closet. I started panicking. I check a friend's room. I check the student center. Nothing.

I think realize I might have left it in a certain friend's room Friday night. By now it's 2AM. I wake them up but it turns out they gave it to a friend to give it to someone else they thought owned it. I was freaking out by now. I broke down. Uber panic mode.

It took me a few minutes to calm down so I went back to my room, sat down and started working with what I had. Well, long story short, I got my paper in and less than half of my RRN, which I'll try finishing today or something.

I was so damn tired today, too. It sucked.

Blast My Desire

2004-09-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

I've been back to school for over a week now and haven't really posted anything at all. No one reads this anyways.

Well, I'm back in Portland. I got to move in early because I'm the king of getting around the system. I don't understand why they give everyone else only one day to move in. It takes so much time to get organized. The normal move in day was Sunday and classes started in Monday. Ironically the bookstore was closed on Sunday.

This was the longest week ever, by the way. I'm glad it's over.

I don't know what to say. I have so many little things to say but I don't really feel like it. But here goes...

My monitor broke. It works but it has a weird ghosting problem. Coming back here is weird in general. I feel like I live in opposite sides of the world. One where I have a lot of free time and nagging and one where I have no free time and a lot of work and a lot of friends around me all the time.

People here are more or less the same as before but a bit different. I was excited to meet the new freshmen this year but they seem to be off in their own little worlds. I feel old, as I always do. I never feel my age. I want to play games all the time but now I have something called "responsibilities" and it sucks. Heh.

My luck isn't really with me either. I was supposed to go to eat Korean BBQ on Wednesday with this really cute Korean girl who had classes with me last year. But she postponed it due to being up to late the night before doing homework so she was too tired. She's also an RA so she had rounds that day. I don't blame her. But she seems a bit distant, like most other girls. I wish a girl was really interested in me rather than just as a friend. I mean, I'd really like to be her friend, too, so it's fine but, well, you know what I mean.

I guess I'll rant more later if I feel like it.

Adventures in Houseguesting

2004-08-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

So, here's the Brendon. He's chilling. Damn, that is a cool man, I must say, WRAAAANG!

Well, I'm in Chicago now. I have a lot to say but I'll probably run a blank before I say it all. It happens.

First of all, how come no one comments on my blog anymore? I guess I don't advertise it enough. Probably like three people actually look at it. Then I guess you'd notice that I got the new navbar now. Cool! No dumb add banner with lame BlogSpot logo anymore.

I left Kentucky on Wednesday the 18th. It was a bit sad to leave everything but not like the last time. I don't want to make a big deal out of goodbyes because I'll see them again sooner or later and I talk to them on the phone or internet all the time. Making a big deal about it, to me, has no real point.

So 8 hours later, I get to Chicago. Good thing I spent Sunday-Tuesday packing. I just have to relax now. But wait, right before I left I found a whole basket of clothes I forgot to pack, and I packed my bags tight. Sucks. So I gotta reorganize all my stuff to fit this in. My backpack and bag is already filled with manga (those things are heavy in bulk).

Adnan is in Cali, or maybe he's in Portland by now (doubt it though). He keeps making me call him and I pwn him with jokes every time. He's just wrapping them up and sending them to me now. Then he calls himself the master. Whatever.

I'm excited to go back to school but I found out something that I kinda dread. Nikolai's mom didn't want to pay the downpayment on getting a double single (even if I would reimburse them) so I have a roommate. He's some Japanese guy I've never gotten to know. I was kinda looking forward to having the room to myself, but oh well. I hope I get along with him.

I look forward to meeting the newbies and in a way see myself and how I was a year ago from the other side of the fence. This year, I'm part of LINCS so I'm a mentor to some new guy. I get to move in a bit early, though. That's cool.

Being in Kentucky and seeing Alex in action again has given me motivation to train again. Even if I have to train alone (which sucks). I will likely send out an email, calling out all the good smash players along with those who want to get into it. Fresh eyes can be trained and are good to train the experiences (personally, I'm not used to fighting button mashers). I know I can get Megan and Marisa to come play with me at least. I hope to recruit Adnan at the least. Niku and maybe Elisha could play with me too.

This year, Adnan has a modded PS2, that means we can finally play all the games I wanted to play but couldn't, like Guilty Gear XX, and now Guilty Gear Isuka and the Naruto game. I also plan on buying Guilty Gear X2 #Reload Live for the Xbox, just because it's only 20 bucks. The only drawbacks I know is that the Xbox controller doesn't work for 2D fighters (for me) and from what I heard of the music (I have the soundtrack) it sucks. Oh well. The Live support is supposed to be really good and lag-free.

Too much digressing, though. I'll save the videogame topic to another post. Back to Chicago.

To anyone that hasn't been to Chicago, you need to check it out. It's not anything amazing to me, as I've been to two and a half of the four corners of the earth (I've not been to Europe, Africa, the Middle East or anything south of the US), but it's a nice place. Big city with a lot of cars (not cabs like in NYC) and one way streets. The apartments are weird shaped houses and the rent is sky high, some places. But, the food's not bad.

My sister's all Christiany these days, so she dragged me to her group meeting called LIFT on Thursday. LIFT stands for Living in Faith Together. The people in it are pretty cool. They aren't too preachy (but I don't think they know I'm not Christian) and I can see why people would like it. It's pretty social. Yesterday was a barbeque hosted by one of the members. It was pretty fun. I played endurance volleyball for 4 hours on an off (mostly on) while some people played straight for 6 hours (except for the breaks where we lost the ball in the bushes or over a fence). I sweat so much. Anyways, the family who hosted the party, they have a daughter who's so cute. She looks older than she looks. I'd say 16 or 17 but she's actually 14. You don't want to know what went on in my head.

Well, my legs are still sore and my right hand is still a bit sore, too. It sucks, but it was fun. More later.

Trash Day

2004-08-11T01:18:00.000-07:00

You all need to try this. I'll re-edit this tomorrow, too tired right now.

Edit: This is far from "tomorrow" like I said. I was too busy. Sorry. Anyways, this ig a small flash game which is very challenging and addicting. You throw trash into a trashcan using the mouse to control the angle and force you throw the trash with. It's awesome. Check it out.

Tales Pin

2004-08-05T03:52:00.000-07:00

I guess I should give Tales of Symphonia its own post. Doom 3 got its own post and I didn't even buy it.

First and foremost, Tales of Symphonia is one of my favorite RPGs of all time, and I've played a lot. Before Symphonia, I've only played the first game of the serious, Tales of Phantasia, despite owning Tales of Destiny (or was it Tales of Destiny 2?). ToS is awesome in many fronts. It takes a cliche premise (every so and so years a chosen girl needs to go on a journey to save the world) that's similar to FFX and adds a few twists and a lot of character development that made me love the story and characters so much.

The games graphics are cel-shaded. It looks more like animation than cel shading but you can still tell what it really is.

The music is great. The gameplay is awesome and has a lot of depth. It's not your standard turn based RPG battle system. You actually run around and attack it like in Star Ocean.

It's hard for me to describe this game. It follows a lot of RPG conventions but it polishes it so much in it way that makes it stand up above the rest. I love it.

I'm gonna sing the doom song now!

2004-08-05T00:26:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night, I got Doom 3 from Alex and started playing it later that night (early morning). Little did I know that my drivers were old and bad so it kept freezing up my comp, even on pretty low settings. After like 2-3 hours of that crap, I went to Alex's house to get new drivers and it worked great. I could run it at a higher resolution and everything. I beat the game this morning and went to sleep.

This game is really atmospheric. The voice acting isn't too bad. The action is pretty cool and the graphics are amazing. But the game isn't without its faults.

The game is too dark. A light source you can see across the room can't even dimly light a wall 5 feet away from it. Light just doesn't bounce in this game. It detracts from actual gameplay a bit but I guess it was chosen for an artistic standpoint.

The gameplay gets a bit repetitive after a while. I always check my back because I scare easily, but I was never VERY scared after the first couple levels, just annoyed by the fact that enemies always pop up behind me, or the fact that I have to fight a huge enemy with my weak shotgun and pistol.

I can't wait to see games using this engine or even, mods for this game, which seems can be very cool.

Again, this game looks very very cool. It's a great game. The faults can easily be overlooked, but I know a lot of people can't get past games being repetitive. I still think Far Cry was a better game. The AI was better. The weapons were more strategic (you can only carry 4 and none of them were strictly better than others). Doom 3 is a demo for the engine with decent gameplay and graphics to show it off. Far Cry is basically a demo for the CryTek engine but it's more like a game than a demo. The story was weaker (Doom 3 didn't have a strong story, either but it was really atmospheric) but I thought the gameplay was much more fun. I just can't wait for Half Life 2 to come out so I can try out Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines.

Do you fend to raise up and get your travel on?

2004-08-01T04:58:00.000-07:00

American Airlines has some of the more inefficient securities ever. I flew in from Cali on the 21st (yeah I know it's August 1st now, but I'm slow and I don't have a decent connection at home). It took about an hour and a half to get to the gate, which I was barely on time for. Well barely on time if it actually left when it was supposed to. I have some of the worst airplane luck there is. If it's not constant security checks, it's delayed planes, or even missed planes.

The night before I left, I was up all night so by the time I got to the gate (even before then) was really tired. So when the plane wasn't due to board for another hour or so, I fell asleep, and barely woke up in time to board (was the last one on the plane).

There's not much to say though. I got back fine and late. My week and a half home has been nothing but anime, games (Tales of Symphonia is awesome), and movies. I spread my time out. I do this and that and this again and that again. It's fun but I'm running low on time. The ever present clock running down on my life. I feel old.

I remember when I was a senior and stressing about college and my dad. I talked to Jessica about my problems. In turn I helped her out with her problems. I talked to her to try to make her feel better. I helped her with Calculus before her finals. Things were good. These days (even though it's summer) she barely has time to talk, but that's besides the point. That's just a tangent.

The other day, I went to Howard and Ling's Freshman Orientation at the High School. It's all these little kids and when the principle, Mr. Chadwell talked, I was thinking of everything he talked about like yes, you are right, that's funny because it's true. Time flies by, lands, takes a transfer flight, which gets delayed and flies by again. I felt old because these people are freshmen now and those four years which felt long while I was in there are just like a brief lapse of memory for me. And now I'm already 1/10 of the way til my 10 year reunion. That's scary. I feel young at heart but comparing my time with people in high school now, it's like a distant memory and it makes me sad to think that I never talk to those people anymore. I saw Ronnie the other day, and I hang out with Buster, Alex, and Willie a bunch, but that's about it. Not that I regret not doing so (already have so little time in my life), but I miss those days. I miss talking to Jessica about my problems and her helping me out. We still talk for a long time sometimes, but it's a lot rarer and I miss that. But I understand that people are busy and schedules conflict. I just hope I can hang out with her this year, unlike the last.

I can't believe Katie is a senior now. I can't believe I'm almost halfway into college. I'm excited about meeting new people again. Maybe some of these freshmen will be awesome.

But there are problems along the way. One of the hurdles are half over. I finally got in my Dependant Verification Form, which is for the school to verify my dad's and my tax forms for financial aid determination. I hope I get a lot more this year, we aren't making a lot of money and I want to be able to take some load off my dad and not be such a big burden.

My grades are bad so I'm on academic warning. I need to get my GPA up. And I need to make up for missing credits so that I can keep my financial aid.

The insurance crap is nagging me again. I gave them my information but they sent me another bill the other day. I don't understand why. I'll need to call them or something because it's pissing my off and making me not want to think about it.

My class schedule this semester will be frantic. I don't remember it right now but I remember it covering most of the days usually with no breaks like last semester. Maybe I'll have less hours a day of class, though. That'll be cool. I doubt it though. Nothing beats 3 hours day three days a week and 2 hours on another day.

I'm not without my regrets though. I can't believe I got such crappy grades when I only had three classes. I always had excuses. I blamed it on an emotionally hard semester. I was going through a lot. My friends were going through a lot. But that's no excuse. My classes were easy (not a lot of work, but a lot of studying) but I got crappy grades. I didn't even do the easy assignments. Jessica is like a role model to me. She has been for a long time. She got all As on her first year in college despite having tons more work than me. She works all days for days straight sometimes. She works on over 60-70 pages of writing for her finals. And I only had to write 10 and I couldn't even do 7. I feel retarded. Some people were trying to cut down their research papers to 10 pages and I could barely make 7. It was half ass and I feel shamed doing it like that, but at least it's over and I passed.

Now I just need to work hard to make up for my laziness, and I hope I can be fine. I look forward to going back, but at the same time I don't want time to transfer flights and fly again. Time moves slower here, but it's speeding down fast. I like being here but I don't feel comfortable at the same time. It's not my family or friends, it's me. I'm not happy with myself yet and I need to work on that head on.

Protect My Balls

2004-07-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since I arrived. I haven't really had much of a chance to update my blog. Now I'm back at my cousin's house and Alex gone, I can concentrate more on small stuff like this.

These past two weeks were fun. So much happened, and we still had boring rest days where we did nothing but sleep, play games, and watch anime. Wow, that reminds me of home, but without the parents (more fun but more expensive).

So here's the juice:

The very first thing we did after we arrived was eat at In & Out. Those are the best burgers I've ever had. Alex liked it. I love it but you can't have it every day. Too much of a good thing just makes it unspecial.

The first real even this trip was to go to Anime Expo. It was really fun because Alex was there and he loves anime, almost more than me. We stayed at a hotel right at the convention area (the Hilton) with two other goons. It turned out to be 125 per person plus tax. We were supposed to have 6 goons in there to make it cheaper but those guys stood us up. Fuckers.

Anime Expo was fun for the sheer number of people this year. You don't go to Anime Expo for most of the other shit. You go for the people. I got to hang out with Alex and goons and learn about them, joke with them about Something Awful and anime. It was a blast. The Expo itself was pretty mediocre this year. The AMV contest was weak, but I heard the Masquerade was good. The Yoko Ishida concert was cool, too. One thing that sucks is I missed the opening ceremonies because some retard thought it would be good to make the AMV ticket line start DURING the opening ceremonies (meaning you had to start waiting before the opening even began). Then of course there's a whole fiasco where it's one ticket per person in line rather than the usual two.

Funny thing, though. I got to see some of my old high school friends, who I haven't seen since the summer after my junior year.

I got a lot of anime DVDs and some manga. It's insane.

After the Expo, we stayed at a motel in Lakewood, CA. It's next to the Long Beach Town Centre. I got to visit my aunt in Cerritos.

We went to Santa Monica and watched a lot of movies (not there). We saw Spider-Man 2 (awesome), Fahrenheit 9/11 (interesting), Shrek 2 (pretty good), Chronicles of Riddick (good), and King Arthur (meh).

Now that Alex left, I'll miss him but I'll have more time to myself and to relax.

I spent way too much this trip. I'll need a lot of time to pay back my dad, Alex, and Remington back. :\ Oh well, it was a great trip either way.

I'm kinda tired now and can't think of much more to say. Maybe more later.

Zero Hour

2004-06-30T03:13:00.000-07:00

So... On the eighth morning, a song from somewhere reaches my ears.
Sound life

My last day in Kentucky before my small vacation away from vacation. I leave in less than 5 hours and I haven't packed. It is essentially a repeat of what happened a couple months ago when I left school, except not nearly as severe. In less than 24 hours, I will be in California, eating In-N-Out again (man I love this stuff), and back in my native land which I haven't seen in almost 2 years.

So my last day was eventful but not too busy. My dad took us to the lake to go boating. He's really sentimental about my sister and me so we spent some quality time together. It was nice minus the mild heat, which was uncomfortable at worst.

I need to start packing. I'm bringing two digital cameras (one of them is a camcorder, too). If anyone wants me to get them something while I'm in Cali (Anime Expo), just email me or even comment on this. No one's been commenting lately. :P

Anyways, I should pack. I'm already tired as heck.

I'm tired... so tired... I don't know who I am...

2004-06-30T03:12:00.000-07:00

Around the World

2004-06-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

I'd like to talk about games today. What kind of games? What are games? What makes a game a game and what makes something not a game?

I don't consider basketball a game. It's a sport. I guess games can be sports, too. But on a fundamental level, you would consider it a sport rather than just a game. You could throw me a definition to "prove" me wrong. I don't care. This is my opinion. In the grand scale of things, what I consider to be real games are things that can only be described as so. For example, poker is a game. You call it playing cards, but only to the same extent as calling basketball playing ball. For basketball, it's more like a counter for the sport. A game of basketball. But then again, people also call those matches. Can you say "a game of Super Mario Bros."? That doesn't make sense to me.

Let's bring this idea into my life. My college's gaming club, called the Gaming Society is, in my opinion, not a true gaming club (or it just wasn't my first year). 90% of the people in it were pure roleplayers. I was under the impression that it'd be more about videogames (console and PC), but a whole ton of them mainly roleplay.

Alex's school has seperate clubs for gaming and role playing. I hate it when people ask others how long they've been gaming but are truly asking them how long they've been role playing. Pencil and Paper RPGs is not real gaming. True gaming focuses on one thing: Gameplay. You don't play Dungeons and Dragons or Vampire: the Masquerade to roll dice. You play to create a story and enjoy the atmosphere, the company of friends, to socialize. You are playing a role and watching other people play theirs. It's not gaming in it's most basic sense. So why is it that when some people say gaming they are not talking about videogaming but ONLY role playing? I don't mind it being included in the wide definition of gaming, but when people consider it the main form of gaming that just pisses me off. The Gaming Society should endorse more LAN parties, more tournaments (Soul Calibur II, Super Smash Bros. Melee, Mario Kart: Double Dash, Guilty Gear XX), more everything, but I'm swimming in a sea of role players. Not that it's a bad thing. They are cool people, but I get sick of that stuff after a while.

I just hope things will be more diverse next year. I hope the Anime club will be better organized. I can contribute but I don't want to be the one running the whole damn show again. It became a chore. By the end of the year, I was too tired to do it. I had too many projects and no one ever came except maybe two people.

So this year, I'm gonna work harder on my work, play harder, watch more anime, and not waste 30 hours a day just surfing the internet, chatting, and wasting my time doing other things. Who needs socializing? Hah!

So to bring back the whole topic about gameplay. What makes a game good or not? I thought I knew before but things have changed in me in the last few days. I've been playing City of Heroes. Jon and I were arguing about this once. I said Counter Strike and Diablo 2 were not good games. They are just simple repetive games where you just click a few buttons and just waste a lot of time. But what makes a game good? It's mostly gameplay. Sure you can have a good game if the story and music are awesome and the gameplay is okay, it's all a matter of opinion anyways. But on the grand scale, good games are defined by how widely accepted the opinion is. So what makes people like games? Most of the time it's gameplay. I used to think that Counter Strike and Diablo 2 had retarded and repetive gameplay, therefore were bad games. I still don't like them that much but I can appreciate them more. City of Heroes does not have an amazing story. It does not have dynamic gameplay that is exciting every second. I hate running around (luckily I just reached 14th level so I can teleport around, which is faster). When I step back, all I'm really doing in dungeons is healing people when they get hit. To accomplish what? The death of a few more enemies, the earning of a few more points of influence (currency in CoH), and a few steps closer to the next level up. It's not amazing gameplay but it's really damn fun.

So I'd say it's a good game. I could spend hours creating a character, planning out his/her powers. It's weird. Jon said a game is good when it's entertaining. I said it's good by how good the gameplay is. But what makes gameplay good? I suppose it's by how entertained you are by playing it. Wow. So he was right all along. Funny thing is, to an outsider, it sounds retarded. That's where I once was. It'd probably be hard for me to convince Alex to play City of Heroes. I can't explain to people what makes this game fun. It just is. It's mindless fun that comes with a chat box on the side.

MMORPGs are more social games than most game genres. They are more related to role playing games likes Dungeons and Dragons (they are games, but I don't consider playing them "gaming" since it's role playing like the verb in the name describes). You sit down, use team work to fight hordes of enemies with other people using your own unique abilities and skills, and enjoy a weak story in the background. But that's not the point. It's about socializing. It's about building up to the next level and having fun with friends. MMORPGs are one step up from roleplaying games (it has it in the acronym) toward what I consider to be true gaming. I'm not saying true gaming is better than role playing. You like what you like. I like role playing for the social aspect. I like City of Heroes partially for that and partially for the mindless gameplay. It's fun. I can't wait to level up my character.

I just wonder one thing. If it were a single player game with a cool story, and more streamlined gameplay, would I like it more? Leveling up is almost not worth it anymore. Higher abilities are cool, but it takes so long now. I used to be able to do 3 levels a night. Now it takes a whole night to do one. Heh.

Anyways, here's the end of the rant. What do you think?

Oh and as a side note, I've been watching Initial D lately. It's a cool show. It's like Prince of Tennis except more serious. Check it out.

I'm goin' goin' back back to Cali Cali

2004-06-20T05:33:00.000-07:00

I was going to make this and the last post one long post but I felt like splitting it up to add volume and to make it easier for people to comment.

So I go to California on the 30th. Anime Expo starts on the 2nd. It'll be fun to show Alex around California. I want him to try a lot of things. Carl's Jr., In-and-Out, etc. I want to be able to go with him to Anime Expo. I want to play Smash Bros. with him at AX's gaming tournament. The last two times I went to Anime Expo were fun, of course, but I only went with Remington, who is a cool guy, but I don't feel like he'd understand my humor as well. At AX2002, I met with a bunch of Goons (my first year as a goon, too, so I didn't know a lot) and that was fun to be able to joke around with them. Alex is the person that probably understands me the most (and misunderstands me a lot, too, haha) so it'd be cool to be with him on my home turf, and in a big city like Los Angeles, instead of the boonies like Middlesboro.

I've been in more of an anime mood lately. It's cool, but I wish I could have played all those games I could have. My time is fleeting. I didn't finish Far Cry, but I've been playing City of Heroes a lot. Remington let me borrow his account. It's a really cool game. I'm considering picking it up, but I'm waiting for when I'm back at school so I can test it with the connection at school. I'm also low on money so that's a big problem, too.

I feel like my summer is almost over, even if I have 2 months left. Like the dilemma I had at school where meals split my time so it feels like there's less, it's happening again. I'm going to Cali on the 30th, I come back on the 4th of August, then I plan on going back to Portland mid/late August. That's about 3.5 weeks in KY total, but it feels like a small amount. I also plan on going to Taiwan from Cali from the 14th of July to August 3rd or so. That's about 3 weeks. So basically I'm splitting up my summer in 2-3 week segments, which makes my summer seem shorter. Definitely not enough time to play many more games or watch much more anime. It feels like I'll be gone a long time, but in reality, time moves slowly. That's just 5 episodes of shows I'll have missed, assuming I don't watch it while I'm in Taiwan and Cali, which I'll probably be able to.

I need better planning skills, though. I'm lazy. Example: When I got injured, I didn't turn in insurance info. I've been meaning to turn it in since then. I still have an envelope in my car I need to stamp and send. It sucks because I keep forgetting.

There's so much going on in my life, but nothing really happens. There's so much I want to do so I seem busy, but I have a lot of free time. It sucks because a lot of people expect things out of me. But I want time to myself, sometimes. When I get time to myself, I want to hang out or talk to other people and they turn out to be busy. So I have to sacrifice the time I have to myself when I want it. And then I get bored when I get time to myself when I don't necessarily want it. So I just waste my time playing games that don't really go anywhere (City of Heroes). Maybe I should take up a game that I can finish and has a fulfilling story. I wish .hack//MUTATION would work right. I'll try it out on other PS2s to see if it's defective. If it's not, then I'll have to exchange my PS2 or something. I hope I can do that.

not@home.com

2004-06-20T05:19:00.000-07:00

A lot has been going on. But at the same time, nothing has really happened.

First, I'd like to mention that I now have a Gmail account. I got an invite from another goon at Something Awful. Ironically Blogger invited me to Gmail, too. Maybe I should make two accounts? Or maybe I should sign up for a friend.

Anyways, the address is brendo@gmail.com. What do you think? I was thinking of other ones like: ohshih, bullshih, holyshih, yoshih, brendowned, brendonator. brendon was taken and so was iceblue, so I wanted to something simple instead. shih was too short and bcshih doesn't seem right to me. So it's brendo. Maybe if I create a second one, it'd be ohshih or yoshih. I don't know.

So what's been happening? Nothing. Just DORAMA. I hate drama. I hate being angsty. It seems like I should be. I used to complain about people/parents not understanding and finding solace in those that do understand or at least try. These days, I take flak and keep it to myself. There's one person I want to talk to about it, demo ano hito wa isogashi desu (but that peron is busy). It frustrates me, so I just sit around and find solace in turning my mind of, hanging out with friends and watching anime.

Speaking of anime, I watched GTO again. I love that show. I'll probably read the manga sometime.

So what's the drama about? Everything. My dad's been on my case for a while for not working. He let off for a while but he always comes back harder than ever. So why haven't I worked then? I don't know. Never even think about it. They don't seem to need my help, anyways. My dad had much more to bitch about. I found out about how much money I'd been spending from the bank account he set up for Pauline and I for school stuff. While, I admit I made a bunch of purchases not for school, most of the bulk in the charges were legit. I just wish my cell phone bill didn't go over 180 dollars TWO MONTHS IN A ROW. I don't understand. It makes me look like a money grubbing person, just because I don't want to overdraft. Washington Mutual has taken over 150 dollars from me just by overdraft charges. It pisses me off. I dread even just going to their site sometimes.

I want to escape money troubles. I want to not work and not have to worry about money. I guess if I just helped out, all my troubles would be gone, but I'm just a lazy bastard. I feel like my time is fleeting. I have so many things I want to do in the summer but not enough time to do it.

My dad is an intimidating person sometimes. I can't even defend myself half the time unless I really have to. He always compares me to some ideal he has. Not in the way you think. He just asks me how many of my friends live like I do or do what I do or have the freedoms I do. I could answer him truthfully, but then he'd just get even more mad. My friends do less than I do. Their parents don't expect them to help out. They can play all summer and in some cases, their parents give them money to spend for the heck of it. But these friends are smarter than me with money. I spend like a mad man. Just on small things, mostly food. Is that so bad? I don't know. I guess I should starve or just go to Chinatown to eat for free everyday. My parents want me to do that. I don't mind it that much other than the fact that I have to face them. I have to face the fact that I don't live up to their expectations. So I don't feel like I deserve it. So I disappoint them even more by doing so. Bad cycle.

I wish I could just relax and I wish my family could just let me do that. I know people whose families realize that they just spent a year working at school and don't complain when they just want to relax. In other cases, their family knows their kids will have the rest of their life to work, and it's better to be able to enjoy your free time while you still have it when you're young. But my dad doesn't understand. He didn't grow up like I did. He assumes everyone works harder than I do, which might be true to some extent, and he compares me to extreme cases. I'm not trying to justify myself not helping out. I should help out. I know I should. But I don't think it's fair to compare me to some ideal he has. It's not fair to compare me to my friends when he's just assuming the truth. And it's definitely not fair that I can't defend myself without angering him more.

Here's the thing. I feel like if I don't work and I go eat there, I feel like that they'll feel like I'm just a freeloader. Just going there for food just to get food. When I don't do it, they complain about me spending money on food when I can get it for free at the restaurants. The only solution is working and being buddy buddy with my dad and Ms. Lee. There's not much I have against that, but it's awkward. I want to be able to do this stuff because I care, not make it seem like I just want to appease them, and especially not because he yelled at me.

My dad told me I treat them like strangers and I act like my house is some sort of hotel. I go out without saying anything. I invite friends over without telling them. I know this sounds bad but they come over late at night when my parents are sleeping. I don't want to wake them up for that. Or they come before anyone gets home, so I can't tell them until after they are already here. I don't mean to disrespect but these get togethers are on a whim, not planned out, so I can't just tell them way beforehand. I try to be friendly to my parents. I love them. I just can't express it. I have trouble expressing my feelings, especially in person. I don't know what to talk to my dad about. "Hey Dad, I did nothing today, isn't that great?" I can't talk to him about games because he'll just bitch about me spending too much on games. I guess the only thing I can talk about is working, or food, or something. I seriously don't know what to say.

I do have a communication problem. I know that. I think I know the stem of it (my family), but I'm working on it. The more I care for others, it seems the more my family seems I'm ignoring them. Honestly, I don't think he's trying hard enough to talk to me. The other day, he bought me some food from Burger King so I sat down and ate with him. He walked away to spend time with Ms. Lee in the other room. How come he expects me to try so hard to bond with him? How is he trying? He only comes to me when he wants to bitch. And when he does, he (sometimes) bitches about me only going to him when I want something.

So that's the reason I'm at in an emotional statis. It's to the point I almost can't talk to anyone about it. Alex is my best friend and all, but I feel a bit distant from him. While at school, I feel more open. I could hug people and they wouldn't feel weird about it. I can walk with people with my arm around their shoulder. I don't really understand it. I want to be able to complain to him about my life, but I don't feel like I can. I guess that's why I've been getting irritable lately. He's been the same way. It's funny because we get over things fast. That's how friends are. And I'm glad he's my friend. However, while our (Buster, Alex and I) humor is funny most of the time, it's been getting on my nerves. It seems we can't have a normal conversation without insulting each other anymore.

I bought my dad a Father's Day card. It's nice. Pauline bought one from both of us, but I didn't know about it until later. It's okay, though. I wanted to be able to send him one myself. Well, I'm broke again. Isn't that great? After he bitches at me for spending money so much. I feel like an ass. Oh well. Can't think if much I need to spend money on.

I have two weeks left until I go to California. He says he won't give my any money but he (or Ms. Lee) probably will. I'm not going to get cocky and assume that, though. I'll try to appease them. I'll bite the bullet and help out. I'll try to communicate. It's the least I can do before I leave. I'll feel like an ass, but I'll try. That is my plan, and it'll be hard to do.

But I am le tired...

2004-06-09T02:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't said anything in a while. I've not had much to say. In the past couple weeks, all I've been doing is playing games, being lazy, and watching anime.

I might have to not use my cellphone for a while. The bill for May was 180 bucks. Only a bit less than April's. I don't understand. I haven't been using the phone that much. I guess I just use it more in the day, though. I don't know why, though.

I seriously can't think of much to say. Far Cry kicks ass. .hack//Mutation is giving me troubles (subs won't work in movies). Midori no Hibi is a good anime. I've bought more manga. And, umm... I'm tired.

I'm really excited about Anime Expo this year. I'm 80% sure I can go with Alex, but I have to finalize plans with Adnan and my mom before I can do anything. Ugh.

Oh. I talked to Jessica the other day. Apparently she's been really busy lately having to write 65 pages worth of essays for her finals (3 papers). That's insane. One of them was 25 pages, which is more than I wrote the whole year. Jeez.

I really like the Great Teacher Onizuka Drama opening song. The show is pretty cool, too. The anime is better, though. The characters are more fleshed out. The music is overall better. The story is better. I wish more people would watch it though.

I feel like I'm running low on time this summer. Alex and I are supposed to watch a lot of anime this summer but we've not gotten all that much done. And the list is really long despite what he says. Oh well.

Anyways, I got manga to read and sleep to do. So maybe I'll update later.

And then, out of nowhere, John Romero officially made me his bitch

2004-05-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a chance to be online in a couple days. I've been playing too many games, but I'll get to that later.

So the other day, I think it was Monday, Michael tells me he'll be over around 4 to hang out a bit, eat, play games, etc. So I ask him if he's seen my copy of Startopia. He had it and he said he'd bring it over. I tell him to bring SimCity 4 Deluxe along with him because I've been wanting to try out Rush Hour and stuff. He tells me he's gonna bring this other game. A suprise he says.

So a few hours later he comes over with the games he mentioned and a copy of John Romero's DAIKATANA, which he said I could have. Apparently, he bought it at Chunky's for two dollaray. (Not really, but if you get that reference, good for you. He did get it for 2 dollars somewhere though.) Wow. I now own the game that has been at the butt end of the PC, no, videogame industry for the last five or so years. Unfortunately, it's a crappy reprint (you know in those crappy jewel cases they sell at Wal Mart for 5 bucks) by Broderbund. Oh well. I'm afraid to install it for fear that my computer will be insulted.

So that night I install and play SimCity 4 Deluxe for a few hours and play more the next day. I probably played it for over 13 hours in those two days. I even got a headache. It's really fun, if you're into that sort of game.

So after I get sick of playing I watch the last two episodes of .hack//SIGN which came out a while after the series finished (27 and 28) which are interesting. You see, it's hard for me to get into the mood to do something. I was in the mood for that because I was listening to the music on iTunes right before. And thus I get into the mood to start .hack//infection, which I've been playing a LOT in the last couple days. I have over 15 hours logged into the game, and I'm a few dungeons from beating it. I hope I don't get discouraged and stop playing it. I often lose the will to do something after I'm pretty far into it. I stop watching an anime or I stop playing a game. I think it's partly because I don't want it to end, and part of it is situational. I get busy or my attention just goes to something else. I want to finish this and move onto Mutation and I probably will ... hopefully.

So Alex, Buster, and I watched I! My! Me! Strawberry Eggs last night. All 13 episodes. I fell asleep after 11 hours of .hack//infection and went to sleep around 10:30 after Alex called saying he and Buster would be over in an hour. So at 1AM they knock on my window and we watch it after going to Taco Bell. I'd already seen it in the winter with my cousin Remington, who owns the DVDs. It's a decent enough show to watch again I guess, if friends want to see it but it's not THAT great of a show. But I'm a sucker for anime where the main character makes a difference in the people around them, like Great Teacher Onizuka, Naruto, etc. (especially GTO).

So at 6:30 in the morning, they leave and I play more .hack until 3PM. I finally go to bed. So as I lay down I think of how I haven't talked to some people in a few days. Jessica's been busy or something so it must have been a week now. Brie's always busy with other people to be able to talk on the phone. Understandable, because on most people's list of "shit to do" phone calls is low priority. I, on the other hand, enjoy having coversations with people so I attempt to make time for it but rarely can do to scheduling conflicts (time zones are a bitch). Plus, I'm not a schedule type of person. So anyways, I thought to myself, how many days of my not calling Brie would it take for her to call me. I wasn't even down for 2 minutes when my cell phone started ringing. I didn't really think of who it might be. I guess my first subconscious assumption was it was Alex. I looked at the name and I was like what the hell?! It's Brie. Weird.

I wish it would work the same way with other people. For one, Jess has never called me. Understandable, seeing as how I get minutes on my cell phone (as well as free nights and weekends) and she would have to pay for the call. I guess I just want to get attention from people without having to actively seek it. That's always nice.

Well then, I'm so tired that I'm not even tired. I feel like it's 6PM on a normal sleeping schedule. Ha! It might be a good thing. Maybe I should go play some more .hack. Or find something else to do.

Congraduation

2004-05-23T02:50:00.000-07:00

Friday was an interesting day. I didn't go to sleep on Thursday night (Alex and I have been watching Kare Kano, which is an awesome show). I went to work Friday morning, after using the comp a few hours. My work involved helping out at my dad's new restaurant which was really damn hectic. I may have helped in the kitchen for about 3 hours and it was the longest 3 hours I've had in a long time.

I then go to print more menus by my dad's request but end up falling asleep while doing it. I wake up 3 hours later and go drop them off. Afterwards, I go home to get ready for the high school graduation of my graduating friends. I went with Alex. It was boring, but I got to see some old friends and stuff. Randy's speech was interesting. He related growing up and life with Disney. Randy is one of the few asians in that school. He's shy and he loves Disney.

Every year the graduating seniors go *taking one guest) to this event by the school called Project Graduation. I snuck in this year under the excuse that I was taking pics for people. It wasn't as fun because I didn't really play many games, almost none of my high school friends were there, and I was really tired. By the way, when I went last year, I won a PS2 and a bunch of cash. It was awesome.

Here's a small tidbit of suckiness. My last cell phone bill (for March 29 to April 28) went over by 300 or so minutes, charging me a total of 193 dolalrs for that month. My normal bill is about 46 (for 550 anytime minutes, and free nights and weekends). I don't really know how it got so high, but it overdrafted on my checking account, so they charged me 25 dollars more. I won't be able to see what happened until I see my statement, but my bilsl go to school, which kinda sucks. Brie told me the school forwards mail home in the summer, but I'm not too sure about that. Sucks.

roses are red, violets are blue, this show is about panties

2004-05-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

I'd be suprised if most people would get the title reference (if I didn't talk to them about it before).

So here I am, sitting at home at 10AM on a Tuesday morning. I've more or less been up all night. This has been my pattern for the last few days. I stay up most of the night a lot.

Maybe I should do something productive. I could read more manga. I finished Kodocha. I wish there was more of it, because I love those characters. I'm a sucker for girls' manga. I love love stories. I'll probably read and watch Kare Kano soon. It's supposedly the best love drama anime. I could read more books. I could read all of Harry Potter again. I forgot most of it. I could play games more. I have tons of games I need to play. I could watch more anime (I've been doing this most of the night already but I have a LOT to catch up on).

So the new restaurant my dad's been working on is opening tomorrow. I'll probably help out tomorrow. He'll probably expect me to help out all the time. Ugh. I can't escape some form of stress. I come home to relax. Why can't my family understand that? I know in the "real world" there's not a summer vacation for 4 months but damn, can't I enjoy my life until I HAVE to join the work force? Jeez. I have the rest of my life to work. I want to enjoy my freedom while I have it. But instead, I'm a caged bird.

But I cut my hair. It was the least I could do to appease to my dad. I don't care that much. I guess I didn't cut my hair for so long because I don't really care. I wanted to try out longer hair for a while and it was kinda cool but I don't care for it too much. It annoyed me that they bitched at me for it, though.

Everyone's busy... even in the summer. Not really busy, just doing stuff. Brie's been hanging out with Megan, Marisa, and Jon. I wish I could hang out with some of my friends. I want to talk to Adnan about whatever. I want to give Brie a hug. I want to hang out with her friends. I want to talk to Charles about games. I want to hang out with Jess (she's busy with big papers and upcoming finals). I want to give my sister a hug. I want to see my high school friends.

I like hanging out with Alex and Buster but I want to do everything and don't have time for it all. That's the dilemma. It's weird because while most things are the same, and it's all light hearted humor, I get a little annoyed sometimes.

I've never been a good time manager. I hope I can sort out my time talking to my friends and still be able to do my work. Good luck on all your papers and stuff, Jess.

No one reads this crap. Post some comments or something. Please.

I need some sleep.

Bound by Honor, Honorbound

2004-05-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a pirate. I pirate things from movies to console games to anime to music to computer games (especially computer) to computer software. I'm a poor college student without all this money to spend on games I spend a few hours on. I'm one of millions of teenagers and adults that download everyday for their own enjoyment regardless of what large corporations say.

However, I have a sense of honor. I'm one of the firm believers that piracy helps the industry more than harm it:

You pirate Adobe Photoshop and learn how to use it and get good with it. In the future, you buy it or request at your workplace they get a copy for you to do your graphic design work. You contribute to the industry in multiple ways.

You download music like a madman. You discover bands you've never heard of. You become a fan and buy their albums. You contribute to the industry more than you would have.

The same can be applied to for games as well as movies and so on.

This system breaks down when people start refusing to buy them, they just download saying it's better than paying so and so price for so and so CD. Also, buying used copies of said merchandise means the company that made the product never sees the money. Well I hate to break it to everyone but in almost all cases, the companies wouldn't see the money anyways. It's called wholesale and retail.

I own tons of used games, but most of my collection is new. I own a few used DVDs but I usually buy my stuff new for a good price (30 dollars for a DVD in a set of 6 or more? hell no). When I see a good deal, I buy it. I thought most people with some ethic would do the same, especially if they like it enough. If I've played a game for many many hours, I'd definitely pay for it over again. I love Super Smash Bros. Melee and would probably pay 10 bucks a month for it if I had to.

The other day Alex and I were at Blockbuster. I saw Guilty Gear XX for 25 bucks used. It's a great deal considering the game being uncommon. I told him he should buy it considering how much we've played his burned copy (way over 50 hours I'd say) but he said no. I don't understand why some people have some sort of weird standard for certain things that they don't apply to others. It's like when you can download and copy long enough, it eventually becomes good enough. He's one of the people that agrees that downloading helps the industry. His reasoning was when he has the money, he'll buy everything. Yeah okay, because that'll probably happen.

I need some sleep.

Captain lavender! Raisins are building a barrier and we need to build a wall to tear it down

2004-05-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently my parents think I look like a hippy. I don't think they know what a hippy looks like. My hair is just a bit long. There are a ton of Chinese guys with semi long hair (mine's still considered short, I'd say). My dad was bitching at me this morning to cut my hair. I don't get why it's such a big deal to them. I'll cut it when I feel like cutting it. I'm just too lazy right now.

Well I haven't made a post in a while. The only connection I have online these days is Alex's computer and when I'm here, I'm distracted by all the other stuff I need to catch up on (forums, email, chatting on AIM) as well as videogames. I don't have a lot of time to just sit down and type up something. I don't really have much to say either.

It's nice to be home. I can relax and sleep weird sleep hours again. I bet my parents will bitch at my for that eventually, too. Ugh. Oh well. It seems all my dad does to me is bitch about something. Clean your room (he says fix and sometimes make, which makes no sense). Cut your hair (sometimes in Chinese). Help out at the restaurant. Blah blah blah.

I'm just trying to relax for a week from college before I start actually doing something this summer. Is it so bad? Why can't I ever escape from uneasiness? If it's not school work, it's my parents bitching. Ugh.

So I called my friends back in Portland the other day. They started bitching because they feel like I have nothing better to do than call them. Then I told them, "Well do you remember what happened right before I left Portland?" (For those who don't know, I spent 300 dollars to ship all my stuff back home.) When they figured it out they were like, "OHHHHHH! It all makes sense now!" Well I got my stuff now so I need to clean my stuff off. Yeah and my dad bitched about how much I brought home because of the cost. Well screw him. Jeez. I didn't have much time to plan it all out.

A few more tidbits: My cousin went to E3, as did Adnan. It's pretty awesome. I wish I could have gone. My friend Adnan had an idea where he and his friends and I could create a South Asian videogame website (there aren't any right now) and get into E3 next year as the media. The difference between this and any regular site is that there's no real standard for a site like this since it's in an underdeveloped area. And if the site is in another language, who are the people at E3 to say we aren't legit? Haha. I think it'll be partially legit anyways, so it's not like we're cheating the system. We obviously need to put work into it.

About E3 2004, Zelda looks awesome. It runs off a modified version of the Wind Waker engine, which blew my mind since it doesn't look much like it. The DS is awesome, too. I'm excited by the fact that a lot of developers really like it. It's gonna be awesome.

My computer might be messed up. The heatsink and fan for the CPU broke off during shipping and was moving around in the insides of the case. I hope nothing's damaged. I have to put it back on with thermal paste before I can try booting it again. It sucks that this happened. I hope the comp is alright.

Offensive Master

2004-05-10T02:20:00.000-07:00

Today has been interesting. I was up late last night (you could have probably guessed that due to how early in the day my last post was, so I woke up around 4PM. I made a few phone calls, talked to Brie a bit. It sounds like she's going well, but she sounds sickly. My sister called a few times, reminding me to call Ms. Lee for Mother's Day. I don't mind showing appreciation for family but I don't like the idea of such a demanding holiday. Do you have to show appreciation especially on this day? Why should people show appreciation only on this day? It's like the idea of a human rights day and a bill of rights week. The goverment only has to acknowledge human rights one day a year and the bill of rights one week a year. Yeah, okay. Also, I'm sure we all know about the whole consumeristic aspect of days like this and Valentine's Day. "I hate Snowflake Day!"

So, any way, Alex studied a lot of Calc today but we played a lot of Smash Bros. afterwards. I've not played a lot back at school so I lost some of my edge but I think I'm getting better at it. I think I should branch out and play different characters, though. I love playing Marth but I've been thinking of using someone with a projectile or something. Maybe I'll try out Dr. Mario or Luigi, more.

Blogger changed their layout. I thought it was weird at first, but now that I've used it more and looked at the new options, it's really cool. They made it a lot more like Live Journal, more community-like. Everyone has a profile now (or has the option to have one). Comments have been added (I want people to use these now, instead of Haloscan, sorry). The great thing is, you can "not" have these options, if you want. The thing I really like about Blogger is now customizable it is. I'm just not good at HTML, so it takes me a long time to figure out what I need to change to get the effect I'm looking for. I just wish I had my own webspace to put my blog on, rather than using blogspot. That banner is a bit annoying, especially with the template I'm using. I also really like the new templates. The problem I had with most of the old ones were the huge text and stretched tables. The way it is now makes it more easy to format it the way you want. It's more intuitive.

Back to the main subject (my life), Buster came to Pittsburgh today with Alex's sister-in-law and her sister. We're supposedly leaving tomorrow night, but I'd rather leave Tuesday morning. Oh well. Alex has two finals tomorrow so I don't know if he has too much time to actually pack. He also won't get much sleep tonight so he might have to take a nap between finals in addition to studying for the later one. I hope he does okay. So Buster is here. It's been so long. It's awesome being able to make sick jokes with him and Alex, but sometimes he goes way out of line. Haha. Back at school, people were so uptight about being politically correct, it really annoys me. I can understand using derogatory terms is rude but I think it's only rude if you are 1) ignorant and 2) you don't know the person you're making the jokes around. People get offended by so many little things thinking my comments only spread the hate. It's only bad because people make it such a big deal. If people were more laid back about politically incorrect words and phrases, they wouldn't be so insulting. It's like the word "gay" it first meant happy and people used it a certain way enough to make it mean homosexual. Calling something gay can sorta be like calling it lame, but people say that's offensive. Why? I think that if people can change the meaning of a word one way, others should be able to change it again. I'm not calling this situation "homosexual" I'm just calling it gay, as in lame. My roommate (now former roommate since we don't live together anymore), Charles, totally agrees with me, so in protest, we started using and accentuating the use of the words "lame" and "dumb" (and maybe "retarded") more and more often. These words can be derogatory towards handicapped people. How can an object, idea or situation not be able to walk or has the lack of the ability to speak? Because their meanings have evolved into slang. I'm not trying to be demeaning, it's just how I see things. I know very well.

My point is, Buster, Alex and I always say words that are much worse than just calling something gay, but we know better. We're probably one of the nicer guys anyone will meet (not to sound conceited or anything) and smart guys, too. We just say it because we're joking around. We're making fun of these "insults" by applying it in our own situations. Example: We all more or less hate it (or at least get annoyed) when people type in short hand, such as "y r u leaving?" or "i m going 2 bed now lol". However, we've been doing it ourselves sometimes to make fun of the fact that people actually type like that. We usually do it only when we're joking around, or bored. It's not hilarious but it's just a small funny trait that we share when joking around.

I think the idea of being able to joke around with friends about things that many people would find offensive or stupid is a sign of a close bond. Being so afraid to offend someone makes the relationship impersonal, and I don't like that.

On a different note about my friends (not specifically, just in general), or moreso about myself, I never felt like college has changed me, but I think it has a bit. I feel like I'm able to open up more towards my friends. I can be more expressive and more physical about my feelings. I used to think it felt weird to give hugs, but I do it all the time now, it's not weird at all. With Adnan, I'd often walk around with him with a friendly arm around his shoulder/neck. I did that to Alex the other day and he backed off. I thought it was a little weird. Maybe he's not so open about stuff like that. It's nothing, though. He said to me during break that he felt like college has changed him a bit, but to me, he seems like the same old Alex, just more experienced and possibly more witty. Maybe I just don't notice because I talk to him online all the time. I feel more open about my feelings. I wonder if people have noticed or will notice. We'll see.

Plane Crazy

2004-05-09T03:47:00.000-07:00

Whoa. This has been one of the longest days ever. It's not that a lot has happened in one 24 hour period (which has). It's that since Thursday (it's Sunday, now as I'm sure you are aware) at noon, I've only slept a total of 8 hours. The last few days just run together. I was packing today. I was flying today. I was in Portland today, I was in Chicago today, and I was in Pittsburgh today. And I was in each place for at least 8 hours each today, if not more.

Let me explain what happened "today". It's really the same day as my last entry. Hehe. After I packed my computer, a lot of my friends helped me store my boxes and load the car (a friend of mine offered to drive me to ship them at this store kinda like Mailboxes, Etc. and then take me to the airport. This took much longer than I expected. My flight was scheduled for noonish so I wanted to be at the airport by 11, and I estimated 1 hour to drive there. Well we got to the shipping store at 10:20 and left at 10:40. It actually only took 20 minutes to get there by car. I wish I knew. The train takes SO MUCH LONGER.

So get in the airport on time. I check in at the self check-in machine and of course I get selected for Security checking. This is the millionth time it's happened to me. I swear it happens to one in ten or so people (probably rarer than that) and I get chosen time and time again. Do I look shady? Random, my ass.

It's not that big of a deal, I was in a relatively good mood despite the hour delay on my flight. It just meant I had a more lenient schedule. So the plane's supposed to leave at 1PM. I was dead tired at this point and dozed in and out while the pilot talked (I actually fell asleep on the floor in the airport before boarding but a nice couple woke me up when we were boarding). Well around 1:10 he said we'd be going toward the runway around "fifteen past the hour" and since there was traffic and weather problems we wouldn't be taking off until "fifty-nine past the hour". Those were his exact words I quoted. It was hi-freakin'-larious. What a choice of words. Because 2.04 and 9/10 of a cent is NOT 2.05. I hate these mind tricks they play on us. I was too tired to laugh or get frustrated so I slept. Well, anyways, about half an hour before we land I figure out, oh crap I might be late to my next flight. I hope they'll delay it for me because it's not MY fault that I'm late (I got 1.5 hour layover originally). So anyways, of course it takes FOREVER for us to get to the gate due to "gate traffic" and I get into the concourse around the time they are about to leave. I book it as fast as I can with a bad ankle and when I get there, it just left. Isn't that great? So they stick me on a flight at 6:40AM the next day (it was about 7PM central time at this point) for which I'd have to get to airport by 5AM. So they ask about hotel accomidations. I didn't bother because ironically my sister lives in Chicago. Is this good luck or bad luck? I can't tell. I love my sister and haven't seen her in months. But maybe I could have gotten a free hotel. Oh well.

So I called my sister but her cell is off. I wait for a few hours, have a few hot wings at a Chili's Too in the airport while talking to various people, namely Alex, Buster, Liz (Alex's schoolmate), and Jessica. My sister finally calls me back and picks me up (takes a while, too) since she happens to be in the area (another ironic thing). I got to see her again. Yay. She got to see my long hair (it's the longest I've had it in years since I've been too lazy to cut). I hung out in her apartment for a few hours. I didn't sleep because I'd have to leave for the airport in about 4-5 hours anyways. So we catch up on stuff, she sleeps a bit and I sit around, read a little manga (Kodocha), play a little Wario Ware, etc.

At 3:30AM we leave for the airport, first walking to the train/subway thingy, whatever they call it in Chicago. At 5AM we get there and she and her friend that came with us leave. I wait at the airport a while longer, get food and coffee. Dumb McDonald's won't take my credit card despite their signs that say they take credit cards and have a debit card machine there, too, so I have to pay with the meager cash I have on me. Yay for McGriddles. I get a few more phone calls and make a couple more and then board. I sleep and arrive and see Alex there at the airport. It's about 9AM Eastern time now Saturday morning. We talk a bit and we go. Luckily, the screw-up the night before didn't cause my baggage to get lost somewhere. Get back, play Super Smash Bros. Melee and go eat Taco Bell, as per tradition.

We go back to his dorm and I sleep for 4 hours til 6PM and play more Smash Bros. and make more phone calls. Time passes and here I am. 6AM Sunday morning. Great, isn't it? Scary thing is, I'm hallucinating. I'm constantly imagining that I'm hearing the Zelda song in the form of my cellphone ring tone even though it's not rining, nor even in the room at the moment. I better for to sleep.

Fun filled fact (opinion): Alex's campus is really nice. The buildings are big but they aren't as cozy as those at Lewis & Clark. I like the idea of a lot of people palying Smash Bros. Melee all the time. I don't get that at my school that often. Being in the heart of a big city has its advantages as well. Pittsburgh seems pretty nice. Chicago in comparison is really dirty, ghetto and decrepit. It's pretty weird. I've not seen Chicago as I've ever seen until "today" and I've not seen Pittsburgh in ever until "today". It's been a long day, and a very educating one. I love meeting new people. I love being able to make jokes with my best friend like old times without people scolding me. I love being able to play Smash with people arguably better than I am. Too bad I can't stay longer, but I get to see my family and high school friends in a few more days, and I can drive again. It'll be awesome.

This summer will hopefully be great. This is the first milestone of the new brenaissance.

U R Not E

2004-05-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

So school's over. I'm officially not a freshman anymore. It feels so weird. I'm not done packing (obviously since I'm posting this). I have about an hour and a half left before I should be completely done. Not a lot of time, I know but I think it'll be fine. I never really thought about this til a few hours ago but it's sad to leave this place. Like I said, I'm not a freshman anymore. It's insane.

Tomorrow (technically more like today) I'll see Alex again and be able to play Smash Bros. Melee for hours upon hours. It'll be a blast. The end of a disastrous month and the beginning of a fun one.

My plans for the summer is a lot of videogames (on my plate now/soon are/will be Tales of Phantasia, Tales of Destiny, Tales of Destiny 2 (Tales of Eternia), Tales of Symphonia (when it comes out), Star Ocean, Star Ocean 2, Chrono Cross, Xenosaga, Planescape: Torment, Grim Fandango, Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life, etc.), a lot of anime (a lot of stuff I haven't been watching from this season and last, and a lot of old shows... and Great Teacher Onizuka again), Anime Expo (maybe), going to Taiwan to study Chinese (probably), and at the end maybe Penny Arcade Expo.

That's all I have to say for now. I'm low on time, and I gotta get ready.

Henshin-A-Go-Go, Baby!

2004-05-06T02:15:00.000-07:00

Alas, finals are over. I didn't study so I don't feel like I did too well, but I don't think I did too horribly, either. I'm a bit anxious about my grades but I'm not too worried about that right now. I have other stuff to worry about. I have to worry about packing and stuff like that. I hate doing that. I don't have my packing planned. I'll need to start tomorrow morning.

Other stuff to worry about:

I missed a meeting with Bridget (a lady who interviews a lot of the freshmen in a year to talk about school related stuff) and I leave on Friday. I guess I'll try to meet with her tomorrow, if she has time. It's not that important to me. I could do it over the phone.

I have to fill out this information packet on myself about ADD. I took some tests a few weeks ago at school and will have to do some more next semester, but anyways I didn't fill out all the information, so I'll need to call home tomorrow to do that. I need to find the packets first, though. Heh.

I also have to mess with insurance stuff. When I went to the hospital for my ankle, they charged me over 800 bucks. I have the school's insurance so I need to send the info to the hospital so they can bill them (so the insurance company can bill me the low amount that I owe).

On a side note: Be Prepared is one of the best Disney songs ever. I'll Make a Man Out of You is another.

New Paper Mario screens, too. Today is a cool day. Oh, and I got Star Ocean to work on my Xbox. Man, I love modded Xboxes.

A.W.E.S.O.M.-O

2004-05-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

I've just watched the best thing ever. I'm a frequent visitor of Something Awful, I post a lot on the forums and stuff. Anyways SA is going to release a DVD of skits by guys at Mega64 (who also visit SA, I think).

Here's a link to the article
Here's a link to Mega64.com

The best one in my opinion is the Shenmue one. Then the Metal Gear Solid, one. I think you should watch the Tetris and the trailer ones first, though. The type of humor is close to Jackass, but it's better since it's direct references to videogames. Check it out.

Granas is dead!

2004-05-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

Bethesda's next game on their "The Elder Scrolls" series will be called Shadowkey. Guess what system it will be on. The awesome N-Gage. :
I guess I should state right now that I'm an avid gamer. Most people might say I'm a hardcore gamer. Of the current generation systems I own the Gamecube, Playstation 2, Xbox, and Gameboy Advance SP. I love my SP. I can't really say much about the N-Gage but I can't see anything good coming from it. It makes no sense for them to release the next game after Morrowind on this lame system. I'm baffled.

Update: It turns out that the game is under the Elder Scrolls Travels series, not the main one. There have been two already. I guess it shouldn't be too bad considering that. Funny thing how something turns from a big deal to nothing just through some small detail. The game still exists, but the fact that it's not under the same exact series makes the whole world turn around. What a world we live in where franchise is so important. This is what equates me, the gamer, to Star Wars fanatics who complain about how Knights of the Old Republic does not follow Star Wars canon. Well, escuse me, Princess!

4 / / Itchy. Tasty.

2004-05-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

I woke up at around 4PM today. I think it's awesome that I have the free time to do this. It might fuck with me tomorrow since my first final is at 8:30AM, but oh well. I want to relax today but I have Japanese and Chinese finals to study for. Languages are hard to study for. The problem with learning a lot is studying a lot. You can't exactly take notes on languages like you can with math or history. It's totally different. This semester has sucked for me on almost all aspects. I haven't even had the chance to play Harvest Moon at all.

By the way, Metroid: Zero Mission is awesome.

Note: From now on, I'm going to try to incorporate quotes as my post titles (usually try to make it relate). Try guessing where they are from.

"First Post!": A Rope of Sand

2004-05-04T03:00:00.000-07:00

Greetings, earthenoids! I now have a blog. This is by no means my first online journal, but my first (planned) active one at BlogSpot/Blogger. So a little about me:

I'm Brendon Shih, age 19, a student at Lewis & Clark College in Portland, Oregon. I love videogames and anime, probably more than most fanatics, but I'm far from fanatical about my hobbies. I try to be modest about them.

My first year of college is almost at an end. It has been a rollercoaster of drama for the last few weeks. Maybe I'll talk about it some other time. Right now is a time for rest and relaxation.