The Boys of Summer

I, like many of those I know, haven't posted in my blog in a long time. I'm lazy. I don't know why I still do it. I want to keep my memories somewhere more permanent. I'm not much of a journal/diary writer and maybe I'm a bit of an attention whore, too. I don't really care who reads this. In fact, half the time I don't like it when people I know read it despite me wanting people I know read it. Make sense? It doesn't have to.

I've been thinking. I don't do this much. Most of the time, my brain is off. And most of the time when my brain is on, I'm not keeping a log of my thoughts so they go missing until I rediscover these thoughts in the future and by then it's usually too late but more often than not I don't remember them. I suffer from chronic tip of the tongue phenomenon, too.

So what brought up this post? Why am I posting now? Well I guess because I couldn't sleep as my mind was racing with random thoughts. Much of these thoughts are impossible ambitions that I have, such as becoming the most popular guy on the internet. Haha. I want to master this. I want to have experienced this. I wanna be like CliffyB, I want to know Jessica better, I want to be closer to my friends, I want to experience the world, I want to have super powers, and I want to find what people call true love. Haha.

Okay cheesiness aside I do have realistic ambitions. Much of which I am embarassed to talk about but still I want them down. I hope I don't forget this because I almost never reread my posts.

First, I need to chill the fuck out. Some people know me as a pretty mellow guy. However I can often be the bitchiest guy you've talked to in a while. No not in the way that I'm a mean person, just that I can be annoying as fuck with technicalities and arguments. I don't like this side of me. I want to fix this. This part of me was more pointed out to me this summer through my cousin who is one of the most anal people I know. I was frustrated talking to him sometimes.

Second, I need to be more bold and consistent. This summer was filled with not unreasonable hopes and goals. I wanted to build my relationship with my parents, make some money, practice Chinese and Japanese, etc. I haven't done much of this. Instead I sleep in and make my parents worry about me. It annoys me but it's my responsibility. This foundation would build much more but I never know where to start. Maybe that in itself is an excuse.

Third, I need more confidence. Maybe point one is stemmed from my insecurities as a person. Maybe I feel the need to correct people around me so as to make up for the parts of myself I feel inadequate. I have no idea. I just know that I need to practice being in uncomfortable situations until they are comfortable. I may try the park idea.

Fourth, I need to find something productive to do. I've been trying to branch out. I tried doing some reading. This isn't so bad, but it's not that productive either. I want to do something artistic. Maybe play an instrument (again), hone my graphic design skills (as if I have any), practice acting (hahahaha, yeah right), or learn how to sing well. I haven't had the guts or the consistent determination. I hope I can build those in time. Sooner than later.

Other stuff, too.

You see, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I realize I like learning about people. I like culture. I like internet culture and gaming culture and other cultures. What can I do with this? Maybe become a teacher? I want to make a difference in the world. Not necessarily become famous but I want to be remembered.

I want to help people but I don't know if I can handle being a volunteer. Maybe I just haven't had the guts so far.

Anyways I'm gonna work on my boldness. That'd probably be the first step to setting myself straight. It's also one of the hardest things to do.

I think I'm done for today. That didn't take as long as I thought it might. Now maybe I can go to bed. It's way too fucking late and I need to be up in a few hours. Lame.

Out of Reach

A common occurance in my life that I still find weird is the idea of out of sight out of mind changing the way of thought.

When I was in Portland I didn't want to leave. I couldn't imagine what it be like to come back. Now I can't imagine being there.

My mom called the other day. She was sad because I didn't call her on Mother's Day. She reasonable complaints but she was calling me at 2AM which is an ungodly hour for any normal person to get a phone call. I know I don't sleep at that time but regardless I was a little annoyed. I don't want to be nagged at 2 in the morning.

Ever since she moved back to Taiwan, I haven't really thought too much about her. I feel bad for this but at the same time I don't think about it so I don't have time to feel bad about it. My mind can only take so many thoughts and worries.

I feel like I'm going to feel the same way when the summer ends. Maybe not. I want to go back to spend time with friends down there and use my computer again. I don't know.

Blah.

Takeoffs and Landings

I've been meaning to post for a few weeks now. This happens a lot. I finally got around to it now for some reason.

A lot has happened but at the same thing nothing's really happening. That's more or less how my life works.

After leaving school, I went to Chicago for a week. That's where I was when I made my last post. I'm suprised that I didn't mention that in the last post. Or did I?

Then I came back here in the small town of Middlesboro, Kentucky. Less than a week after I come in, my two closest friends, Alex and Buster ran off to Panama. Apparently the USA was too straight for them.

I wish I could go, though. I talked to them a little about their adventures there. They range from going to a resort on the beach to eating great food for cheap to eating great food for an insanely high price to visiting strip clubs to visiting whore houses (for a show, that's it).

Not much to report I guess. E3 passed. It was cool. Saw a lot of stuff on G4. By the way, Morgan Webb is hot. Just so you know.

Watched some movies and stuff. House of Flying Daggers was interesting. Ziyi Zhang is hot, by the way. Finished Jade Empire. Might work on Ico soon.

I'm on the third season of 24. Alex got me addicted to it. I bought the DVDs and have been watching them in binges. It's insane.

I'm running out of things to say (notice the boring lists). So I'll stop here. I hope my sister comes back soon. I can't wait for Alex and Buster to be back. It's pretty boring out here. Everyone else is busy with their own things.

Another Year on the Streets

Today's title comes from an album, a compilation to be more specific, but that's cool because I'll probably talk about a more broad topic rather than just a simple event.

...or maybe not.

School's out for the summer. I'm halfway done with college. Imagine that. I can barely believe that it's happened. I wish more things happened. I wish I led a more eventful life with more experiences and relationships to carry me better in the future. Oh well. It doesn't really matter too much now. I still have some time left. I just need to work twice as hard (without trying too hard).

Packing took longer than I thought it would. I was almost late to the airport ... AGAIN. It's insane. I was almost late last year because of this crap and now a similar thing happened. What's wrong with me. Thank goodness Brian was around to help me and all.

The past year was a mixed bag. The second semester was good to me. I wish I tried harder though. I could have done better on the finals but I slacked off a little. I don't think I even studied for Japanese much. I think I did okay though. Next year will be better, I hope.

Moving into the apartments will be cool.

I ran out of stuff to talk about due to...other things to worry about. Damn you, ADD!

Looking Back on Today

These past couple weeks haven't been very eventful, as usual. It's not too bad. It's a bit stressful but not overtly so. I've not felt too helpless, so it's a good thing. My birthday has passed and gone. I'm 20 now. I'm officially not a teenager anymore. What does this mean for me? I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a kid still but at the same time I feel socially old.

I should go to sleep soon. I just wanted to drop in and say a word or two.

If anyone's curious about my recent hobby/events, I beat God of War in one day. I also got Jungle Beat. It's pretty fun. I should pick up Digital Devil Saga sometime soon. As for anime/manga, I read up on Bleach, if I didn't mention that. It's really cool. I recommend it. I beat Resident Evil 4 (awesome awesome game) and Darwinia (really neat little game).

On a side note, I'd like to say that my shit days this semester are more or less the same as my normal days other semesters. It's pretty sad in a retrospective view.

I got a test tomorrow for Japanese. I have to go to PSU to talk about learning disabilities or something like that. Grargh. After tomorrow evening, the rest of my week will be cake.

Party Hard

My name is Brendon and I'm an angstoholic.

Haha. I don't think I've been very depressed in a while. Maybe it's a weather thing. Portland's weather has been awesome for a while now. Knock on wood. I haven't been angsty in a while, but that's a good thing. I'm sorta back on track and I have a lot to say.

My course schedule plan for the rest of school is more or less set. I need to finalize and dig some info to make sure things can go the way I want them to, but if not it'll be okay I can live without it, too.

Here's the plan so far. I want to go to Japan my Senior year fall semester. I want to go to China the summer before that to get better at it and maybe skip 310. I hope they still have the program then. If not then I'll have to take another semester after my senior year which wouldn't be THAT bad but you know. I don't really want to.

But enough about that. I've always been shaky about making hard set plans because things often don't work out when I do, but things turn around. It doesn't really matter. Every bad thing has good sides and all that.

Like... a few weeks ago when I was all into that RA bullshit Dale recommended me for this retreat called the GOLD retreat. That stands for Growth Opportunity for Leadership Development. It's for people that have the potential to be leaders but don't really have the experience.

I applied sorta hoping it'd help me in the future but I got rejected. This is after getting rejected for RAing and shit so I was pretty down about that (even though I wouldn't admit it to myself) already. So about a week ago they told me that an opening came up unexpectedly and invited me to come. I was a bit reluctant for some reason but I went anyways, despite having Reversals that weekend. It was pretty awesome. I got to meet new people and get to know some people I already knew a little more. I got to learn a little more about myself and all that. And I got to spend a couple days at the beach in the awesome weather we've been having lately. I'm pretty content with that weekend especially with my extreme lack of homework lately. Knock on wood. The only problem with the trip was the lack of phone reception, but that was probably a good thing overall.

I'm not exactly happy just yet, but who really cares? What is happiness? What is fortune or misfortune? Life is life. That's how I should live it. Every day I spend without a significant other is a day I can get to know other people better or finish one of my small pet projects and hobbies. I've been a lot more involved that I ever imagined I would ever be. It's funny. I've been wanting to make a difference and I want to do it in a meaningful way, my own way, not just try to take some crappy leadership role with restrictions (RA). I'd like to have my own free time and do things on my own. It'll work better for me and be more fulfilling and less of a chore. My biggest aspiration is setting up some sort of large charity. Who'd have thought?

More upbeat music has been filling my soul lately. I've been listening to Party Hard quite a few times lately. Haha. Everything I've mentioned so far makes it seem like my life has been nothing but good lately. That's not true. I just don't think about the bad stuff nearly as much.

Today I checked my bank statement online and I realized I was 185 in the hole on my checking account because I overdrew three times and it charged 75 dollars for that each time. It's fucked up. I'm not too worried. It sucks because I wanted to spend that money on this one game (or two) but I'll hold off. I only have like 100 bucks now or so in the bank. Sucks but I'll survive. I have a lot of stuff to be happy for and not really a lot of time to mention all of it.

I'm close to finding my center. I'm thankful for a lot of events and people for helping me find this path, as corny as it sounds. It's not even a path it's a mindset. I haven't talked to some people I used to base my happiness on in a while and I'm fine with it.

And guess what... I turn 20 in a little more than 2 weeks. I'm almost not a teenager anymore. Haha. Took me long enough. I still have a lot more to work on.

Let Go

It's funny how random song titles can fit so well to how I'm thinking. I don't really think hard about these things. It works on multiple levels. It also works as a movie reference. Whoo.

So life's been fine, okay, great, lame, sucky, fun, whatever you want to call it. I don't really care all too much anymore. It's not that I'm jaded or anything. I just realized a few things after a few days of half assed soul searching and talking to people and reading some stories and watching a few documentaries. I realize that drama is nothing. Not all, just most of the stuff I "deal with" equates to nothing in the long run. I can buy what I want and waste money whereas some people in the world have to give up their dignity and panhandle to survive for the day, they can't get jobs and don't know if they will live to see tomorrow. They survive not because it's given to them but because they have to. I admire these people and I wish I could help them out in the future once I'm settled and everything.

So life's been pretty uneventful. It's nice to be able to relax. I'm not saying nothing's been happening to me. I'm talking about something that I don't really talk about much. Uneventful as in homework. I've not had much to do in a while. I don't want to get in the habit of not doing much. This week I've literally not done more than 2-3 hours or homework related stuff and I wasted a lot of time just talking to people and I don't feel the repurcussions for it, either, because I've not had anything to do.

Tonight is my busiest homework night and all I have to do is study for a Kanji quiz, find lyrics for a pop song, and work a little on my Japanese skit script. Fun.

I love Thursdays. They are so relaxing and I can sleep in a decent amount the next day. I should start doing my work soon but I felt like typing this up.

On a different note, I was thinking the other day (don't really care much anymore but I thought I should post it because I felt like it the other day but had to go to class), that I'm a bit tired of caring about others. Not that I don't like to, because I do it automatically. Maybe I care too much? I don't know. I just get shit for it. Please kill me for showing a little concern for you, okay? I don't really expect profound appreciation but shifting the blame on someone trying to help through encouragement and reminders isn't the way to go about it. I guess I'll tone it down. Whatever. It's not my business. I just ... well I have regrets about my Freshman year and I don't want others to suffer the same shit. I guess, as Brie puts it, people need to figure some things out on their own, the hard way. I just wish I could help.

My reference with the title is to Fight Club. I'm a lot like the narrator. I'm afraid to let go. I want to control my life. The thing about my plan for this semester is that it's leaning towards this direction. I tried to let go and control what I can but I was looking at it the wrong way. I was striving for a goal called happiness. I'm at the edge of spinning wheel or hurricane trying to make it stop or turn the other way. That's naive. I should stay near the hub or the eye of the storm (if there is one). I should live life. Accept the good and the bad. Learn and tell stories, not complain and dwell. I have a lot of demons in my closet that not even I know about. I'm working on it, though.

This is one of the first times I could remember recently, when self reflection didn't make me feel a bit down. Most of the time, I get myself in an anxious, depressed-like state. This time I'm more blank, more calm. Just thinking and talking. I can relax. I like it this way more.

Don't Be Afraid

Today was a decent day. The good weather heightens my mood. Not much happened.

Badminton was cancelled again. It's weird, Hassan has a class before and after Badminton so he's usually not around when I wake up and get ready to go. Today he came in my room to make sure I was up to go to class. I got up and got ready and he was still in his room despite class starting in like 2 minutes or something. He said he didn't feel like going. Figured he had a few unexcused absences to burn. This wasn't he first time he did this. Both times he's done this class got cancelled anyways. I swear he's some sort of Badminton god. I missed two classes already and he's missed none because of this bullshit. Haha. I got to be more lazy this morning and that was cool.

I got to hang out with Niku a bit. I don't get to see him much this semester for some reason. He's been pretty busy with classes. Since he lives off campus it makes things even harder.

So yeah I went to class and things were fine. A bit tired for some reason. I guess I didn't get enough sleep last time. Good thing I don't have too much to do for tomorrow. I guess I'll try to do some readings for Linguistics and Psychology. Maybe I'll study for my Japanese quiz on Friday. I did good on the quiz for today, I think. I answered everything confidently. It makes life easier because I don't have to be anxious and constantly try not to think about my grades. Haha. I have a good idea of where I stand and even if I'm a bit wrong, I can't be way off.

Today I got to know this girl in my Linguistics class. Her name is Sybil. Really interesting person. She lived in Mexico like half her life on and off and transferred here this semester. She's a bit weird but not in a bad way. I like her. I like meeting new people and making new friends. It seems I haven't done that too much in a while, but this semester is different. I'm more on track and I can afford to socialize more and be a little more confident. I mean things can't really get much worse. On the grand scheme of things losing something I didn't have last week probably isn't a negative loss. I'm just saying if something bad happened. It's more like balance. But it can be disheartening. Oh well.

I'm not going to get my hopes up, though. Most girls don't share the same interests as I do and it's nearly impossible to find one that does and when I do, they are either not interested or taken. Fun isn't it? I really want to meet someone that fits most of my "criteria" for a "match" because it just seems my life would fall into place once I did. But we all know life never works out that way right?

I find myself becoming more and more pessimistic about life lately. It's funny. I'm not negative. I love life. I like people. I like friends and everything. My pessimism stems from myself. I can't be too hopeful for myself much anymore because things will just go wrong one way or another. So that's probably why I suck at planning. It's not that I can't plan, I can't carry through. Instead I try to have strong intentions to do things and carry them out as I can. It works out better. I'm more flexible. It's just hard to juggle time. That's where the medication and easier load comes in. I can figure out what I need to do better and just start it and I still have time to relax a bit.

There's a funny parallel to this that happened to me yesterday. For some weird reason I was getting shocked a million times yesterday after lunch. I listen to music on my iRiver and the earphones are metalic under the plastic and even they shock me once in a while. I'd touch a doorknob and it shocks. I'd touch an overhead projector and it'd shock me. After a while it was hard for me to open doors because I got scared and cautious. Sometimes I don't think about it and just do it. But occasionally, even today, I would be scared and cautious about some knobs for some reason.

So how does this relate? When I don't care about impressing anyone or my self image, I more relaxed and can hold a conversation better, be more interesting, and maybe even flirt a little. When I'm being cautious, it impeads on my "true self". I end up being awkward and can't bring myself to trying. The small steps that I do make are insignificant and take too much mental energy for what they are actually doing. I need to break this fear and just dive in. Whatever's in the water can't kill me.

We learned about Neizche yesterday in Psychology. "Whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger." That's my new plan to ammend to my not as new plan. And yes I'm not good with plans but these aren't really plans as much as resolutions and intentions. My personal plans don't involve timelines and schedules. I enjoy that more. Maybe it'll be hard to find a job in the future. Hehe.

Note: Today's title is another music reference. Almost all of them all, if not all of them. I bet no one will know where it's from. Hint: It's from a game.

In This Diary

I've been a bit addicted to more of The Ataris' music lately. This week's (that's a laugh insinuating my entries are weekly) title comes from one of their songs. I thought it kinda fit. Here's a cool line that's pretty true: Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. These are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is followng your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right.

I guess as time passes I feel older and older. I can't believe in a little over a month I'll be 20. 2/3 of my conscious life I've been a teen. I can't imagine living anyway else.

So lately I've been in angst city. And not in the :emo: way exactly. I enjoy life. I like living. My life isn't some void of nonexistance and sadness. It's just nothing been going right. I get more bothered than I think I do when things don't go the way I expect/hope they do. And I don't have high hopes either. That's what happens when you have low self esteem. Haha. I've been really depresso but it's moreso internal than much else. I don't like it but at least I can appreciate the humor that stems from it.

So I applied to be a Resident Assistant next year but I got rejected at the first cut off. I'm 90% sure it was because of my grades. I should find out the truth soon, though. I've been lazy and subconsciously trying not to think about it. I'd rather be told I'm a bad candidate for some reason than be told it's just my grades or some stupid shit like that.

Anyways, this semester has been pretty good other than my Japanese tests, which are around Cs. I've been doing awesome on my quizes for it and my homework, too. I have so many doubts though. I want to know for sure whether my recent rise in performance will carry through the whole semester and to other semesters. I don't want to lose steam. I'm pretty confident about that part, though, so that's not an issue. I'm moreso worried that I won't be able to perform as well in other situations. My semester is pretty easy, I must admit. That's my point. If things get harder I want to know that I'll be able to keep up. As it is I'm a bit behind but it's manageable.

I need to sleep earlier (right now is contradicting that but this post has been coming for a while so I need to do it while I feel like doing it) so I can wake easier. I found out that it's pretty easy to not skip classes. Haha. I know it's clear as day so most people but I often just didn't want to go to classes.

Maybe my recent performance has a lot to do with my medication. Maybe it's my more recent self realizations. I'm so often analyzing myself, if you didn't already know this. Hehe.

The weather here in Portland has been awesome lately. The skies are blue. It's been pretty cold but not freezing or anything. It's like a pleasant cold wind. It's not ideal but it's better than our normal weather.

So I've been keeping up with my plan this semester to stick to myself more. I'm focusing on what I can control and letting other things to fall into place where they should. It's not hard but I seem to have more than one "selves" within me. One is the rational self that usually makes these posts. The other is less in direct control. It just has a large control over my attitude and feelings.

I seem to only be able to reflect on myself when I'm in a slight depressed mood. I start angsting about how my life isn't going the way I want it to. That's how it usually works. At least, that's what I think.

Anyways, it seems that my plan isn't working out the way I thought it would. But it takes time. I've only been here for about 5 weeks again now. That's not that long in the long run. So I'm going to give it a chance. That's my choice and I'm gonna stick with it. Plus I have to. It has its perks. Good grades are pretty fun. Being all depressed and making myself more depressed through stupid actions isn't fun. Yay. I think my less rational self that dictates my emotions wants more results. I put in so much effort to get things done and life still isn't going the way I want it to. And I'm not saying I should have a girlfriend or anything right now. I'm just disappointed that I don't feel much different, other than the feeling that I'm doing better in school and that is pretty nice. I just have so many self doubts that keep me down.

It's a lot of anxiety. I'm an anxious person. Maybe that's a better description than depressed or angsty. Most of my angst just comes from the fact that I can't a girl interested despite my actions (or lack of). But it's not that big of a deal. It's not like I expect one or need one. I just really want someone to care for me in that way. As my tension rises and my views get more distorted through idealization it seems more and more like it'd be the easy way out of my situation. Yes there would be a new layer of complication but it just seems worth it.

I always say that one needs to be happy with themselves before they could be happy with someone else. I still believe it, but I think maybe people need to gain good experience with something before they can appreciate life without it. It's kinda like me and Kentucky. I hated living there at first. I left to go back to California and life was good again. When I was going back again I dreaded it. But once I got there and lived there for a while I enjoyed it a lot. I don't regret it too much. I met some awesome people and made good friends. I learned a lot about computers, anime, and about life in general. I appreciated the sincerity of the people there and remembered the retardation of the people there, too. Every bad thing has good sides. It's always a good experience. I kinda miss the culture I left behind that I can't relate too much to anymore. I mean I know what it's like in SoCal but I don't really know what teenage life is like there as much of what teenage life is develops between 7th grade and 12th grade. I only saw 2 years of it and it was in the middle. I got a glimpse but not a full view. Oh well. At least I'm more "cultured" than most people I know.

How did I get on that subject? Hmm. Yeah.

Have anyone ever felt the desire to cry but just couldn't? I have on a few occasions but some were at times when I had reason to. I'm not talking about those times. I'm talking about when I feel like crying but have no reason to. No overt stress. No extreme sadness. Just the general feel that there's something I want to get out of my chest. I want that release. At least I did at the time. And I guess I still do somewhat. I feel like the main character in Fight Club was at the beginning of the movie but I'm not an insomniac like he was.

Alex, Buster and Willie are going to Panama this summer. I want to go but I don't know if I can or not. I'll trying to figure it out. I need to talk to my dad about a few things soon. Heh.

As time goes by I want it to pass faster sometimes and other times I want it to slow down. I don't have enough time in the day to do everything I need to and want to but at the same time the results for my effort aren't show too well yet.

So I should go to sleep now. I got class in less than 8 hours and a quiz in the morning. I'm pretty prepared. Wish me luck.

Note: I'll try to make more frequent entries. It makes me feel a little better that I can get it down. Yay.